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My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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  • Location: Beccles, Suffolk.
  • Weather Preferences: Thunder, snow, heat, sunshine...
  • Location: Beccles, Suffolk.

    It's Kenny from South Park! What the flock's he on about?:wallbash:

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  • Location: Near King's Lynn 13.68m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: Hoar Frost, Snow, Misty Autumn mornings
  • Location: Near King's Lynn 13.68m ASL

     

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  • Location: Bedfordshire
  • Weather Preferences: Thunderstorms, warm/hot plumes, snow, anything severe
  • Location: Bedfordshire
    WWW.MIRROR.CO.UK

    A sudden summer storm covered a street with snow despite the local council saying the temperature was 16C - meanwhile the Met Office warns of possible flooding and...

    :oldrofl:

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  • Location: Beccles, Suffolk.
  • Weather Preferences: Thunder, snow, heat, sunshine...
  • Location: Beccles, Suffolk.

    The late, great Dave Allen: 

    And, just for @mushymanrob -- the pilot episode of Love Thy Neighbour:

    What on earth is wrong with taking the pith out of racists and racism? What else are they any good for?:oldlaugh:

    Edited by General Cluster
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  • Location: chellaston, derby
  • Weather Preferences: The Actual Weather ..... not fantasy.
  • Location: chellaston, derby
    1 hour ago, General Cluster said:

    The late, great Dave Allen: 

    And, just for @mushymanrob -- the pilot episode of Love Thy Neighbour:

    What on earth is wrong with taking the pith out of racists and racism? What else are they any good for?:oldlaugh:

    not for me matey...i detested love thy neighbour...

     

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    • 2 weeks later...
    Posted
  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth... Then it's a soap opera.

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    • 3 weeks later...
    Posted
  • Location: South Ockendon, Thurrock, SW Essex
  • Weather Preferences: Severe frosts, Heavy snowfall, Thunder and lightning, Stormy weather
  • Location: South Ockendon, Thurrock, SW Essex

    Uncle Stan gets hopping mad 😠 when he is hopping up and down on one leg at the Hop dance that takes place in a hop field. Uncle Stan is always on the hop whenever he drinks hoppy beer 🍻.

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    Posted
  • Location: SE Oxfordshire
  • Weather Preferences: Any extremes
  • Location: SE Oxfordshire

    Paddy and Murphy are walking down an English country lane. All of a sudden Paddy shouts out 'Murphy, Murphy, quick come and see this'

    'What is it?' asks Murphy

    'It's a grave stone' says Paddy, 'This chap lived until he was 124!'

    'Dats a great age' says Murphy 'What was his name?'

    'Miles from London' replies Paddy

    I'm sorry, this is an old joke, but even old ones should be aired every now and again.

    I also hope that in these days of 'enlightenment, I have not offended anyone by reproducing this work. If I have, it was totally unintentional and any legal cases should be brought against the originator of the joke and not myself, as I consider myself a mere messenger.

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  • Location: Near King's Lynn 13.68m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: Hoar Frost, Snow, Misty Autumn mornings
  • Location: Near King's Lynn 13.68m ASL

    The latest Microsoft Flight Simulator uses Machine Learning to  re-create the entire world's cities and landmarks. The results are...mixed:

     

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    • 2 weeks later...
    Posted
  • Location: Woodchurch, Kent.
  • Weather Preferences: Thunderstorm.
  • Location: Woodchurch, Kent.

    In the us there was a massive traffic jam on the highway in the uk that's called tuesday

    In the us there was a massive rain storm it submered Los Angeles in the uk that's called Wednesday

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    • 4 weeks later...
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  • Location: South Ockendon, Thurrock, SW Essex
  • Weather Preferences: Severe frosts, Heavy snowfall, Thunder and lightning, Stormy weather
  • Location: South Ockendon, Thurrock, SW Essex

    I received a message when riding on my bicycle from the sun about the new solar cycle, it was so enlightening.

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  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

    He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

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  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    Someone went in my garden in the middle of the night and added another layer of soil. The plot thickens..

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  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    I've been asked to give a speech on the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's about raisin awareness.

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  • Location: Nr Malmesbury Wiltshire.
  • Weather Preferences: Beaufort 0 to 6, sunny and warm. Ideal for my gliders
  • Location: Nr Malmesbury Wiltshire.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

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  • Location: Nr Malmesbury Wiltshire.
  • Weather Preferences: Beaufort 0 to 6, sunny and warm. Ideal for my gliders
  • Location: Nr Malmesbury Wiltshire.

    Or about the bloke who walked into a pub with his pet giraffe.

    He ordered a pint for himself and one for his giraffe.

    This went on for ???? pints and suddenly the giraffe fell over dead drunk and dead to the world.

    The bloke then lost his temper and said that it was the last time eh cerried him home and started walking out of the door yelling "damm you you can make yer own dammed way home"

    The barman was up in arms and said to the bloke "where are you going?"

    "Home and that thing can make his own way!"

    The barman then said "you can't leave that lyin there!"

    The bloke then gave him a funny look and said "That ain't a lyon, it's a giraffe" and walked out.

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  • Location: Nr Malmesbury Wiltshire.
  • Weather Preferences: Beaufort 0 to 6, sunny and warm. Ideal for my gliders
  • Location: Nr Malmesbury Wiltshire.

    Another pub and 2 blokes walked in. One a little bloke and the other a 6'6" giant who went and sat down.

    The little bloke went to the bar and ordered 2 pints, one for him and one for Donkey.

    This went on for a few more rounds and eventually it was Donkey's round and the barman asked him why the hel, him being a giant, let a little squirt call him Donkey?"

    Donkey replied "I dunnow, eeeaww  eeeaww eeeaww ee always calls me that"

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  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    I've lost my thesaurus.

    I can't find the words to describe how upsetting this is.

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  • Location: Hoyland,barnsley,south yorkshire(100m asl)
  • Weather Preferences: severe storms,snow wind and ice
  • Location: Hoyland,barnsley,south yorkshire(100m asl)
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  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    My local cinema is showing live Premier League football matches.

    It's pay-per-Vue...

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    • Week Ahead: Bimbling lows keeping the weather unsettled, showery and cool

      Low pressure is going to keep doing its thing during the upcoming week, rolling in from the Atlantic, then hanging around to bring days of sunshine and showers with occasional longer spells of rain. Read the full update here

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