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My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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Posted
  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    I was in a chinese resturant one evening. During the meal the lights went out and the place was pitch dark. A china man came running out and told everyone to stand up put the hands over there heads and shake them around. The lights came back on...so goes the saying..many hands make light work..... :unknw:http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif :whistling:

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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    Last Request

    A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

    The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

    The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

    With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered,

    "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

    You know you are addicted to coffee if:

    -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

    -You sleep with your eyes open.

    -You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

    -The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

    -You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

    -You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

    -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

    -You chew on other people's fingernails.

    -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

    -You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their

    margaritas.

    -You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

    -You can jump-start your car without cables.

    -You don't sweat, you percolate.

    -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

    -You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

    -You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

    -People get dizzy just watching you.

    -Instant coffee takes too long.

    -You channel surf faster without a remote.

    -You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

    -You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

    -You short out motion detectors.

    -You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

    -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

    -You help your dog chase its tail.

    -You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

    -Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

    -You ski uphill.

    -You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

    -You answer the door before people knock.

    -You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

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    Posted
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada

    Once upon a time, there were identical triplets who were blonde and beautiful, and they decided to play a trick on a wealthy German businessman (why German, you ask? ... it doesn't matter).

    They each pretended to be "Helga" and compared notes so that he would be sure to think they were the same girl.

    One day, as they were sitting around the family's kitchen, the German businessman walked in unexpectedly.

    It was then that they realized the joke was on them, because the first one said, "hello Gunter, what are you doing here?" at the same time that the second one said "hello Dieter, what are you doing here?" and the third one said "hello Jurgen, what are you doing here?" and he said, "Ha ha, I fooled all of you, I am not even German."

    ??????

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  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Cold, crisp, calm and sunny
  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl

    Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

    The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

    After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes, I will."

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

    He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

    As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

    He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

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  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Cold, crisp, calm and sunny
  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl

    Artery....................... The study of paintings.

    Bacteria.................... Back door to cafeteria.

    Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die.

    Benign..................... What you be, after you be eight.

    Caesarean Section....... A neighborhood in Rome.

    Catscan.................... Searching for Kitty.

    Cauterize.................. Made eye contact with her.

    Colic......................... A sheep dog.

    Coma........................ A punctuation mark.

    Dilate........................ To live long.

    Enema...................... Not a friend.

    Fester....................... Quicker than someone else.

    Fibula....................... A small lie.

    Impotent................... Distinguished, well known.

    Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work.

    Medical Staff................ A Doctor's cane.

    Morbid...................... A higher offer.

    Nitrates..................... Cheaper than day rates.

    Node........................ I knew it.

    Outpatient.................. A person who has fainted.

    Pelvis....................... Second cousin to Elvis.

    Post Operative............ A letter carrier.

    Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery.

    Rectum................... Nearly killed him.

    Secretion................. Hiding something.

    Seizure.................... Roman emperor.

    Tablet..................... A small table.

    Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport.

    Tumour................... One plus one more.

    Urine....................... Opposite of you're out.

    2xCondoms.............. To be sure, to be sure.

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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time? I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!”

    At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Michael Barrymore was asked:

    "Are you doing pantomime again this year Mike?"

    "No, I did Aladdin six years ago and haven't heard the last of it!"

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  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City
  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City

    Michael Barrymore was asked:

    "Are you doing pantomime again this year Mike?"

    "No, I did Aladdin six years ago and haven't heard the last of it!"

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

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    Posted
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    Bacteria.................... Back door to cafeteria.

    It's actually to return more upset than when you left. How about foccacia...bread with no interest in the middle east, or countryside...to kill Disco Barry.

    Q. Where is the best place to find eternal love?

    A. On the scoreboard of any female British tennis player.

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  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    I crashed my jeep into a handicap persons car in town today. A drawf got out and told me he wasnt happy? So i asked him who he was then...... ;)

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  • Location: Isle of lewis
  • Location: Isle of lewis

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time? I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!”

    At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

    quailty

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    Posted
  • Location: Sth Staffs/Shrops 105m/345' & NW Snowdonia 219m/719'
  • Location: Sth Staffs/Shrops 105m/345' & NW Snowdonia 219m/719'

    Spot the mistake.

    post-1596-1182523453_thumb.jpg

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