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Posted
  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    I just got hit over the head with a Power Tool. I was sitting there minding my own business, then next thing I know…Bosch

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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
    8 minutes ago, Summer Sun said:

    I just got hit over the head with a Power Tool. I was sitting there minding my own business, then next thing I know…Bosch

    Hope they managed to Makita good hit?

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    Posted
  • Location: Solihull, WestMidlands, 121m asl -20 would be nice :-)
  • Weather Preferences: Cold and Snow -20 would be nice :)
  • Location: Solihull, WestMidlands, 121m asl -20 would be nice :-)

     

    5 minutes ago, JeffC said:

    Hope they managed to Makita good hit?

    If not, I bet he Dewalt do that again :crazy:

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
    7 minutes ago, Dancerwithwings said:

     

    If not, I bet he Dewalt do that again :crazy:

    If at first you don't succeed, Ryobi, Ryobi, and Ryobi again?

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
    7 minutes ago, Mokidugway said:

    Or his whacker :oops:

    Or reciprocating saw

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    Posted
  • Location: Solihull, WestMidlands, 121m asl -20 would be nice :-)
  • Weather Preferences: Cold and Snow -20 would be nice :)
  • Location: Solihull, WestMidlands, 121m asl -20 would be nice :-)
    7 minutes ago, Mokidugway said:

    Or his whacker :oops:

    Now now, be careful he might get Black & Decker'ed!!!

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    Posted
  • Location: Solihull, WestMidlands, 121m asl -20 would be nice :-)
  • Weather Preferences: Cold and Snow -20 would be nice :)
  • Location: Solihull, WestMidlands, 121m asl -20 would be nice :-)
    1 minute ago, Mokidugway said:

    Might get his router outer :drunk-emoji:

    Ah..that's his Trend then.

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
    4 minutes ago, Mokidugway said:

    Might get his router outer :drunk-emoji:

    All to get his hammer drill charged??? I think we're going the poor chap down

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
    14 minutes ago, Mokidugway said:

    Might end up up with an SDS :drunk-emoji:

    Or a keyless chuck

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    Posted
  • Location: Darlington
  • Weather Preferences: Warm dry summers
  • Location: Darlington

    That escalated quickly

    Some eggcellent puns in here tonight

    :rofl:

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    Posted
  • Location: Fettercain/Edzell
  • Location: Fettercain/Edzell

    Just a superficial laugh for one or two on here :nea:

     

     

     

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    • 2 weeks later...
    Posted
  • Location: Mostly Watford but 3 months of the year at Capestang 34310, France
  • Weather Preferences: Continental type climate with lots of sunshine with occasional storm
  • Location: Mostly Watford but 3 months of the year at Capestang 34310, France

    Things said in jest can often be true - I like particularly the last bit.   :D

    How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

    The answer is found below.

    QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

    You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

    ANSWERS:

    English Police Officer:

    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

    1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    5) Am I dressed provocatively?

    6) Could I run away?

    7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

    9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

    12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

    Australian Police Officer:

    BANG !

    American Police Officer:

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

    'Click'...Reload...

    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

    GlasgowPolice Officer:

    "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, ....unless ye want it stuck up yer ass!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL

    Guy calls in to his Boss:
    Worker: I can't come to work today. I'm sick
    Boss: Oh yea! What's wrong with you now?
    Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
    Boss: What the hell is that?
    Worker: I just can't see my ass working today.

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    Posted
  • Location: Godalming
  • Weather Preferences: Plumes and streamers
  • Location: Godalming

    Out of the 10 tin mines I currently own in rural Germany, there is only one -Turbitz - that isn’t beset with operational issues.

    I suppose you could say I’ve got 9 tin mine problems, but Turbitz ain’t one

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    Posted
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: wintry
  • Location: Coniston, Cumbria 90m ASL

    As told by a woman I know....

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem jaffa cakesed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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