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  • Location: Lochcarron NW Scottish Highlands
  • Location: Lochcarron NW Scottish Highlands

    A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud

    pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken

    stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! ' ' He

    slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wif e! . "Can't you remember, about

    three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us I think

    you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as

    he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes" comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

    :):):D

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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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    Posted
  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    Why to choclate makers , make white choclate?

    So black kids can have dirty faces at easter. :)

    Five secerts of a perfect relationship.

    1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks, cleans and has ajob.

    2. Its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. Its important to have a woman who you can trust and doesnt lie.

    4. Its important to have a woman who is great in bed and you like being with.

    5. Its VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT THESE FOUR DONT KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER...... :)

    Edited by kippure
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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really left trouser leged.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.

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    Posted
  • Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne (Spital Tongues)
  • Weather Preferences: Cold, Snow, Windstorms and Thunderstorms
  • Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne (Spital Tongues)

    hahahaha :rofl: brilliant

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    Posted
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire

    Why couldnt the bike stand up?

    Because it was two tyred.

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    Posted
  • Location: Western Isle of Wight
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, Storm, anything loud and dramatic.
  • Location: Western Isle of Wight

    This bike stands up post-4726-1180353325_thumb.jpg

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    Posted
  • Location: Haverhill Suffolk UK
  • Weather Preferences: Thunderstorms, Squall Lines, Storm Force Winds & Extreme Weather!
  • Location: Haverhill Suffolk UK

    Whats the diffence between a ginger and a brick?

    A brick gets layed

    8P

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    Posted
  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Cold, crisp, calm and sunny
  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl

    Southern Grandmother on the Witness Stand ......

    Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't

    prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

    witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and

    asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since

    you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

    You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about

    them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the

    brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit,

    paper pusher.

    Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned!

    Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,"Mrs.

    Sanders, do you know the defence attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since he was

    youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

    build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the

    worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

    different women. One of them was your wife.

    Yes, I know him."

    The defence attorney almost died.

    The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet

    voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you

    to the electric chair."

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    Posted
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada

    A man was half way to work one morning when he remembered he had left some important papers at home.

    When he arrived, he found his wife in bed with the postman.

    "There had better be a damned good explanation for this," he declared.

    "Well there is," said the postman, "we thought you were gone for the day."

    :whistling::drinks::)

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    Posted
  • Location: Darwen, BB3
  • Location: Darwen, BB3

    Interesting news in my local papers today.

    Apparently my local police station was raided last night, an unidentified party broke in and stole the toilets. In an interview earlier a police spokesman said, "At the moment we've nothing to go on."

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    Posted
  • Location: Haverhill Suffolk UK
  • Weather Preferences: Thunderstorms, Squall Lines, Storm Force Winds & Extreme Weather!
  • Location: Haverhill Suffolk UK

    Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality St. It was After Eight. He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! He slipped his hand in her Snickers & showed her his CurlyWurly. Not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a trip up Bourneville boulevard. She screamed with Turkish Delight! As he took out his Fun sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crinchie & she wanted some Time Out but he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers!

    :(

    Edited by Mammatus
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    Posted
  • Location: Haverhill Suffolk UK
  • Weather Preferences: Thunderstorms, Squall Lines, Storm Force Winds & Extreme Weather!
  • Location: Haverhill Suffolk UK

    Pm it too me PP :(

    Edited by Mammatus
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    Posted
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada

    A vet, a proctologist, and a meteorologist met in a pub and compared notes.

    The vet said, "I fixed up an ass this morning."

    The proctologist said, "I had my hand up an ass this afternoon."

    The meteorologist said, "That's nothing, I make an ass of myself every day."

    :drinks::drinks::drinks:

    :(:wallbash::wallbash:

    :(:D:(

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    Posted
  • Location: Darwen, BB3
  • Location: Darwen, BB3

    Have they checked for fingerprints Tim? That might give them a lead.

    Apparently they used gloves mate..

    A shower cap was also found but a Magpie left the scene with it before it could be examined, I'm not sure what the significance of that is just yet.

    However I've since heard that they've apparently found the vehicle that was used to ram the building, a partially loaded cement mixer.

    So even though theres no fingerprints, at least they now have some concrete evidence.

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    Posted
  • Location: Rochester, Kent
  • Location: Rochester, Kent

    What do you call a suicidal pudding?

    Lemming Meringue Pie.

    That didn't make me laugh. That means you are spamming threads. I'm going to get you banned.

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    Posted
  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.
  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.

    What do you call an exploding Frenchman?

    Napolean Blownapart.

    Ha ha , ive just scared the cat !! She jump when i saw that and lol, it must be a really old one but ive never heard it and i'm like 43 yrs old.!!!Proper christmas cracker that one Oon...

    There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone."

    So named because He had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call Him Onestone. After years and years of torment. Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them !"

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night. But Yellow Bird wouldn't die !

    And the moral is ...

    You can't kill two birds with one stone !

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