Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Access to emergency health treatment is to be significantly increased after the Government announced that NHS Trusts will now be able to procure services from local veterinary clinics. In order to reduce the burden on overstretched A&E departments, anyone requiring emergency treatment will now be referred to their nearest vet in what the Government says is ‘a sensible and logical use of existing resources’.

‘It makes complete sense that when a vet is not treating Fido or Tiddles for ticks, they open their doors to patients who may have had a stroke, major trauma injury or a saucepan stuck on their head,’ said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. ‘The ‘Veterinary Services Pathway’ is an ideal solution to the problem of overburdened A&E departments, albeit that when walking down that pathway you’ll need to be careful not to get your shoes covered in dog poop.'

The Department of Health is confident the initiative can deliver both savings and increased quality. ‘In the same way that we’re telling patients to call 111 when their problem is less urgent than 999,’ explained Mr Hunt, ‘so we are advising patients to visit their local veterinary surgeon when they need someone to give them medical help, but that person doesn’t necessarily need a degree in human medicine.’

However, the scheme has been criticised by health watchdogs and animal campaigners who fear that the dual use of facilities could require vets to take some tough moral decisions. ‘As an animal charity, we find this to be a very hard bone to chew,’ said Chris Kaninski of Petwatch. ‘Yes, people should come before animals, but is an 85-year-old pensioner’s life worth more than a pedigree German Shepherd’s? Neither may be fully continent, but at least a dog can bring you the paper in the morning.’

But some patients have welcomed the new service. ‘I called 999 a couple of weeks ago after I fell down the stairs and was referred to the RSPCA,’ said Agnes Davidson of Newark in Nottinghamshire. ‘I was a bit nervous at first, but must say that the treatment I got was marvellous. Admittedly I didn’t really need to be speyed, and I have no idea why the vet needed to put his hand up my bottom, but the worming tablets they prescribed for me are working a treat.’

 

Did'nt stop the possesion of my cat did it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not sure if Vine links work in here, so I'll post a link to the independent article...

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/parklife-emerges-as-the-internets-favourite-way-to-mock-russell-brand-9838182.html

 

 

Basically, because the internet is much more clever than Russell Brand; everytime he says something, it now shouts 'PARKLIFE!' back at him.

 

Vive la ReÌvolution... :laugh:

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Wickes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How to fix bad parking

 

 

post-8057-0-41676900-1416328396_thumb.jp

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you really wanna good laugh to start the day, head off to the climate area and check out the 'worst case scenario' bit. These guys are so far gone they're practically outta sight!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these
days.


A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you
something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This ebay listing and the chap's wife was on South Today at lunchtime --> http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Phil-and-teds-green-explorer-double-/131406614416?pt=UK_Baby_BabyTravel_Pushchairs_GL&hash=item1e9871cf90

 

Bids are up to £154,200 at the moment.

 

Here's an extract, but the full listing and Q&A's are very funny.

 

'Here we have for sale the green monster that can only be Phil and Teds. I shall be glad to see it leave my premises and never return.


This was purchased against my wishes many years ago as I never wanted any children and a buggy signified my wife's intent to have children. We argued much and this buggy signifies everything that ended my happy carefree low cost child free life.  
 
This buggy clearly meant she intended to have not just one but multiple children and the extortionate price of this buggy will stay imprinted on my brain till the day I die. I have bought cars that cost less than this buggy. My dad once bought a house that cost less than this buggy.
 
Anyway as you can tell I hate the buggy. I now have 3 children, and a Labrador and am forced to endure the school run where women I dont know try  and discuss the price of centre parc holidays, and the benefits of the micro over the mini micro scooter. To summarize my life is over and this green albatross needs to go round some other poor sods neck...'

 

 

:laugh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My psn username for PS4 will eith be Showerwithmybee or Hornyplantpot

 

i think these are quite funny tbh

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In all seriousness! I get some prize answers in "Masters" exam scripts - "Human Resource Management is about people" end of script!

Edited by Spikecollie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...