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My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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Guest Viking141

Blonde watches one of these "makeover" programmes on TV and the advice is for beautiful skin you should bathe in milk. She thinks this is a great idea so she puts a note out for the milkman saying "15 gallons of milk please." The milkman reads the note but is convinced that the bolnde has made a mistake and actually wants 1.5 Gallons of milk so he knocks on the door to ask. The blonde answers the door and the milkman says "I got your note is it not 1.5 gallons of milk you want?" The blonde says "no 15 gallons I want to take a milk bath its good for my skin" so the milkman says "OK, do you want it pasteurised" and the blonde says "no, just up to my boobs will do."

http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dry.gif

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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only Scotsman in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

    Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the Balls to jump in."

    The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

    Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of Doh a dumb swear filter got the better of met like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

    The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

    Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

    Nah, You right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

    The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."

    "How about half a million bucks then?"

    "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

    The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a New Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.

    Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

    Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in.

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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

    One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very,very disappointed.

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    Subject: Letters of Complaint to the Council

    1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has

    fungus growing in it.

    2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just

    can't take it anymore.

    3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt

    my knob off.

    5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he

    put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my

    fence.

    7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.

    I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    8. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the

    wall.

    10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife

    tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are

    plain filthy.

    13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

    cleared.

    15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour

    and not fit to drink.

    16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning

    at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

    18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is

    unsightly and dangerous.

    19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a

    third so please send someone round to do something about it.

    20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please

    do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy

    my wife.

    22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we

    can't get BBC2.

    23. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I

    still have no satisfaction.

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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    A Blonde's Year in Review:

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

    March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

    August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

    December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh"..... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

    What a year!!

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a

    huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

    Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

    He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to and throws them! Into the lion cage they go - because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

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  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    How do you straighten out a ghost.

    Use a spirit level!

    What do you get if you cross a pod and a marital artist?

    Bruce P.

    Edited by kippure
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  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.
  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.

    The Colonoscopy

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

    "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

    "I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

    "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

    "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

    "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

    Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

    .

    The Moral of the story?

    The ass hole is usually in charge!

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  • Location: Isle of wight
  • Location: Isle of wight

    I read this and one person come to mind! :)

    A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting

    pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should

    try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not

    wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know

    when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop

    standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they

    are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

    He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to

    impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land

    Rover, drives them out into the woods, serves them all, brings them

    back, and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

    Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the

    first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He

    drives them out to the woods, serves each sheep twice for good measure,

    brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive

    them out to the woods. He spends all day serving the sheep and

    returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but

    of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the

    grass.

    "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is

    beeping the horn."

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  • Location: Ponteland
  • Location: Ponteland

    James Bond walks into a bar sits down and orders his favourite tipple and notices to his right a gorgeous brunette-she sees him looking ,gets up and goes up to him and says "your Bond aren't you",yes he replies Bonds the name and you are a very attractive young lady he said as he casually glanced at his watch-the girl saw his watch and remarked-oh Mr Bond what a fantastic watch that is,He replied yes M made it specially for me and it is the most fantastic timepiece I have ever had,in fact he said glancing at it again,it tells me that you have no knickers on--"Mr Bond " the attractive girl replied that is not the case I am wearing knickers--- Bond paused for a moment had another look at the watch and said "damn this watch is an hour fast".

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  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and lots of it or warm and sunny, no mediocre dross
  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here

    and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how

    to

    get it started.

    "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread

    all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then

    turns to her and says: -

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

    assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He takes her hand and says,

    "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have

    a nice cup of tea, and then....."

    he sighed,

    "let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

    ------------------------------------------------

    An Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems....

    "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

    "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

    Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

    "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

    "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! "shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

    Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

    "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

    The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

    £1,990 exactly."

    "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman.......

    ............."I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

    Edited by jethro
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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    I received a phone call from one of many gorgeous ex-girlfriends the

    other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic

    nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked

    if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that

    "magic".

    "Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a

    bit older and a bit heavier than when you last saw me."

    She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

    "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline

    that's a few inches wider these days!"

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying

    that tubby men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great

    lover.

    Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

    So I told her to fcuk off.

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  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side
  • Weather Preferences: Storms storms and more storms
  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side

    What do you call a bear with no ears?

    Anything u like - he can't hear you
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  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side
  • Weather Preferences: Storms storms and more storms
  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side

    Nope.

    B

    Tell ....................
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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

    The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

    Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

    Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

    "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    This is how easter eggs are made:

    Posted Image

    OK, i'll stop. :whistling:

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  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and lots of it or warm and sunny, no mediocre dross
  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl

    Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

    I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

    Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

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  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side
  • Weather Preferences: Storms storms and more storms
  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side

    B was the answer :wallbash:

    :friends:
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  • Location: Poole, Dorset
  • Location: Poole, Dorset

    a lady is in the bath with her daughter when the daughter points to her pubic hair and asks " whats that mummy?"

    "well that my sponge" she says.

    later that night the womans husband is feeling horny and gets her to shave her pubic hair off to spice things up in the bedroom.

    the next night the woman is in the bath with her daughter again when the daughter asks" mummy wheres your sponge gone?"

    "i lost it " said the mum

    "oh" replied the little girl

    later that night the little girl comes running in the house shouting "mummy, mummy ive found your sponge"

    " youve found my sponge" replies the mum "where is it?" she asked

    "the woman nextdoor is washing daddies face with it"

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