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Posted
  • Location: Calgary, Canada (1230m asl)
  • Weather Preferences: Wind driven falling snow
  • Location: Calgary, Canada (1230m asl)

    I have a rather good joke. It's far too crude for this forum, soo if you want it, PM me!

    Boy, it's a good 'un ;)http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif ;)

    Is it the one about the pianist?? That is a cracker.

    PM Mondy, it is a belter ;)

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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Here's one for Paddy's day:-

    Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland.

    They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll

    take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

    The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into

    Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.

    At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and

    says,"Dis looks like a grand place."

    He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps

    off the cliff.

    Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself

    stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and

    says,

    "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

    THERE'S MORE

    Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.

    He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff,

    carrying

    another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

    "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the

    cliff.

    Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the

    parrot.

    Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the

    bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting

    either!"

    IT'S NOT OVER YET

    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean

    O'Driscoll appears.

    He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which

    he pulls a chicken.

    Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears

    down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Fook dat, lads.

    Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me ....first dere was Gerry

    with

    his budgie jumping, ... den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now

    Sean and his fook'n hengliding.

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    Posted
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    I notice political correctness has yet to reach Stirling.

    Q. What do you call someone who takes 12 cows out of a deep freeze?

    A. Thora Hird.

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    Posted
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    Too busy laughing? Here's another one.

    Two goldfish are in a tank, and one turns to the other and says "how are we meant to drive this thing?"

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    Posted
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    I can see you all think I'm hilarious, so here's another.

    Dazza is going on holiday to Australia, so he gets on the plane and sits himself in First Class.

    "You can't sit there I'm afraid unless you have a First Class ticket" explains the stewardess. "My name is Dazza, I'm going on holiday and I'm sitting in First Class" Dazza argues. So the co-pilot comes out and says "I'm sorry sir, but this section is for First Class ticket holders only", to which Dazza replies once more "My name is Dazza, I'm going on holiday and I'm sitting in First Class". In the end, the Captain approaches Dazza, bends down, whispers in his ear, and Dazza nods, gets up, and returns to the economy section. The stewardess asks the Captain what he said to make Dazza move, and the Captain replies "I simply explained to him that the First Class section wasn't going as far as Australia".

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    Posted
  • Location: Hubberton up in the Pennines, 260m
  • Location: Hubberton up in the Pennines, 260m

    I have some un-PC jokes but i will be banned for saying them.....

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    Posted
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    Yes you will. If there's one thing I can't stand it's working class, french home-owning, skiing enthusiasts who write non-pc jokes.

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    An Oldie but a goody

    How to Shower Like a Woman

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket. Walk to

    bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way,

    cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -

    make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use

    face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice

    stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added

    vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean Condition your hair

    with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed

    apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body

    with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and

    legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould

    spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a

    small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom

    wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the

    way, cover up any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like a Man

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a

    pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy

    at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the

    mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the

    shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and

    let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the

    shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash

    your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice

    water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on

    floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you

    pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound

    again. Throw wet towel on bed.

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

    The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

    The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

    "Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

    Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

    "I like it!" says his seat mate.

    The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,

    "What's going on?"

    The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire

    A blonde joke sent to me on email today...

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out

    as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She

    went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he

    had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told

    her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

    The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to

    her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the

    house?"

    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her

    money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,

    "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the

    man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,

    "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    Edited by Andy Bown
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    Posted
  • Location: Crossgates, Leeds. 76m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: Temperatures below 25C. Also Winter.
  • Location: Crossgates, Leeds. 76m ASL

    A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.

    The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear.

    The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

    The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

    The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

    Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

    Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

    The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

    After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage to his motorcycle.

    He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.

    After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

    The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.

    She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor.

    His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering from "serious" burns in some strategic areas.

    The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

    The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife again met them at the street.

    The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

    While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.

    He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

    :)

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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years

    ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

    "I know,"the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

    "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

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    Posted
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the male residents actually joined in her games.

    One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished in her handbag, and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop, have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug deep in her handbag and produced a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am".

    As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked. "Good grief", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again".

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    Posted
  • Location: Leigh-on-Sea Essex.
  • Location: Leigh-on-Sea Essex.

    15 British sailors stray into Iranian waters and get arrested, 14 male and 1 female. Doesnt take too many guesses to figure out who was reading the map does it?!!!

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

    Although funny V141, the trouble with that is that you'll get some do-gooding feminist who can't see the funny side of it. http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

    :doh: well it was nice knowing ya Vik mate... Posted Image what you want on your

    headstone.. ? :doh: ....... http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky6_tBD0luY

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif pity there isn't one for Blair but I guess falling out of a Tigermoth woud'nt have the same effect... :rofl:

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    Posted
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the

    breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a

    sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife

    playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50

    times last year?... that's almost once a week!"

    They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This

    bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab

    and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from

    him."

    They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in

    capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so

    excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs said, "That's

    once a day!

    You could REALLY learn something from this one."

    The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with

    the same cow."

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    You start out dead and get that out of the way

    Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day

    Then you are kicked out for being too healthy

    You enjoy your retiement and collect a pension

    Then you start work and get a gold watch on your first day

    You work 40 years until you're too young to work

    You get ready for college and then high school: drink alcohol, party and be promiscuous

    Then you become a kid, go to primary school, play and have no resposibilities

    Then you become a baby, and THEN.........

    You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap, and THEN....

    You finish off as an ORGASM

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    Posted
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    GLESGA STORIES

    1.

    This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record when his wife sneaks up

    behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

    "Whit wis that fur?" he cries.

    "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races

    Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.

    "She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the

    house.

    Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him

    again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.

    When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"

    "Your horse phoned!" she said.

    2.

    A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in

    the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they

    both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the

    lower.

    In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to

    bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass

    me another blanket."

    The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better

    idea, let's kid-on we're married.

    The woman giggles and says, "Why not".

    "Good", he replies. "Get your own f ****n ' blanket!"

    3.

    A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh,

    she phoned room service for some pepper.

    "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

    " Naw Toilet pepper! You bloody eejit"

    4.

    A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given

    a part in the school play.

    "Wonderful. Whit part is it?" she asks.

    The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband."

    The mother scowls and says, "Go back an' tell that teacher you want a

    speaking part!"

    5.

    One day the Primary! 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little

    Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was

    trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And

    so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,

    Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man

    said?"

    One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F****** hell! A

    talking pig!'"

    6.

    A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting

    for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked

    his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast

    fed or bottle fed.

    "Breast fed," she replied.

    Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed,

    kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed,

    rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said,

    "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"

    "I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

    "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

    "But I need it really bad," the man explained.

    "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

    "Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

    On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

    The man said, "No one showed up."

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