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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio

    1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

    2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

    Gibson comes inside of him."

    3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely

    horse. I once rode her mother."

    4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't

    that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

    Oxford crew."

    5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

    6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

    7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

    8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

    9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

    "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

    10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

    Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

    11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." :closedeyes:

    12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

    Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

    :):);)

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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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    Posted
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire

    Brilliant find Mondy, however where is the brilliant cricket commentary from Radio 4 when Brian Johnston said that 'Botham couldn't quite get his legover'. It was when he stumbled and, trying to avoid the stumps, knocked them over and so was out. The other commentator was in stitches.

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    Posted
  • Location: Rent free in <redacted> head
  • Location: Rent free in <redacted> head
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    Posted
  • Location: Co Dublin, Ireland
  • Location: Co Dublin, Ireland

    hmmmm remember the Ireland/England game last week at Croke park? Some didnt like the idea of foreign games being played on the hallowed turf so they held a protest outside the stadium.

    Now check out this plonker at the protest. Yes, THAT Is A Celtic Football Jersey.

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    Classic http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :)

    Just to show this halfwits placard was not photoshopped you can see him here between 6 and 11 seconds.

    Maybe he will protest when Bull running comes to Croke Park

    Posted Image

    Or how about the Poker championships?

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    :rofl:http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rofl.gif :):rofl:

    Edited by Darkman
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    Posted
  • Location: Crossgates, Leeds. 76m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: Temperatures below 25C. Also Winter.
  • Location: Crossgates, Leeds. 76m ASL

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five blondes - two in the front and three in the back of the car -

    wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver is obviously confused, and says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    The Divorce

    "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

    "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

    "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

    The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

    "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

    Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

    "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

    "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

    "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

    "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

    "Ah, well now," said the lady,

    "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

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    Posted
  • Location: Bristol
  • Location: Bristol

    This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This apparently is a true story.

    Dear Sir

    "I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

    Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being j£rked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

    This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me, this explains the two broken legs.

    I hope this answers your inquiry.

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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
    Posted
  • Location: Birmingham U.K.
  • Location: Birmingham U.K.

    From Ananova News:

    Deckchair trapped testicles

    ''A Croatian man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deck chair and found his testicles had got stuck.

    Mario Visnjic had gone swimming naked in the sea at the Valalta beach in western Croatia, reports 24sata.

    His testicles had shrunk while in the cool sea and slipped through the wooden slats when he sat back down on his wooden deckchair.

    But as he lay in the sun they expanded back to normal size and got stuck between the slats.

    He was eventually freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deck chair in half. ''

    All true, apparently!!

    Regards,

    Mike.

    Edited by Winston
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    Posted
  • Location: Isle of wight
  • Location: Isle of wight

    A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting

    pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should

    try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not

    wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know

    when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop

    standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they

    are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

    He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to

    impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land

    Rover, drives them out into the woods, serves them all, brings them

    back, and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

    Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the

    first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He

    drives them out to the woods, serves each sheep twice for good measure,

    brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive

    them out to the woods. He spends all day serving the sheep and

    returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but

    of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the

    grass.

    "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is

    beeping the horn."

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/huh.gif

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    Posted
  • Location: Hubberton up in the Pennines, 260m
  • Location: Hubberton up in the Pennines, 260m

    A man goes up to an ice-cream van and says can i have an ice-cream please? to which the man said 'no but you can have an Orange'

    ...................

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    Posted
  • Location: Sunny Southsea
  • Location: Sunny Southsea

    Chili Pepper sent this one from work. if you are under 18, don't download it. It isn't very rude, but it contains a naughty word. Made me laugh.

    :)P

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    Posted
  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    Chili Pepper sent this one from work. if you are under 18, don't download it. It isn't very rude, but it contains a naughty word. Made me laugh.

    :)P

    Where is it? :)

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    Posted
  • Location: Sunny Southsea
  • Location: Sunny Southsea

    Sorry, its a .wma file; it doesn't appear to have loaded. I'll try again :(P

    No, it won't let me. I'll type it out later, but it won't be the same. :)P

    Edited by parmenides3
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    Posted
  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    Sorry, its a .wma file; it doesn't appear to have loaded. I'll try again :(P

    No, it won't let me. I'll type it out later, but it won't be the same. :)P

    ok :)

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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    An English professor wrote the words,

    " A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it corectly.

    The men wrote: " A woman, without her man, is nothing."

    The women wrote: " A woman: without her, man is nothing."

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    Posted
  • Location: Sunny Southsea
  • Location: Sunny Southsea

    A couple are standing, perplexed, in front of a picture in the National Gallery.

    It shows three black men sitting naked on a bench.

    Two of the men have black P*****s, but the man in the middle has a pin Tuts.

    The curator, seeing the couple's confusion, comes up to them and offers a long, complicated explanation.

    He describes how the picture is a classic example of black representation in Art.

    He explains how the pink Tuts can be seen as symbolising the ritual emasculation of black men by Whites throughout history.

    He goes on to explain how that artist has tried to show an understanding of the subsconscious fears which cause white to suppress black.

    He goes on in this vein for several minutes, before going on to other visitors.

    After the curator has gone, a Scotsman walks up to the couple, who are still looking at the picture of the three men and the pink Tuts, and says, "You know, everything that bloke has just told you is nonsense. Do you want to know what the artist really painted?"

    The couple are surprised: "Who are you," they demand, "to claim to know more than an expert about this picture?"

    "I am the artist," the Scotsman explains, "and I'm telling you now that there is no black representation at all in this picture." He goes on:

    "What the picture actually shows," he says, "is three coal miners at the end of a shift waiting to have a shower. But the bloke in the middle went home for his lunch..."

    :)P

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