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A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    Subject: The little wooden ball

    An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he

    tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because

    his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells

    him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest

    shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have

    happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like

    everyone else does..."

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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his organ is covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.â€

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.â€

    The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate itâ€

    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!â€

    The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.â€

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

    The Chinese doctor examines his organ and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.â€

    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut it off !â€

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!â€

    “Oh, thank God!â€the man exclaims.

    “Yes,â€says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Fawl off by itself!â€

    Edited by sunsetter
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  • Location: N.Bedfordshire, E.Northamptonshire
  • Weather Preferences: Cool not cold, warm not hot. No strong Wind.
  • Location: N.Bedfordshire, E.Northamptonshire

    German city of Bonn taxes prostitutes with meter

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14730704

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    childish, but just noticed the manufacturer....

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  • Location: on a canal , probably near Northampton...
  • Weather Preferences: extremes n snow
  • Location: on a canal , probably near Northampton...

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    Since it was revealed last week that a sample of Tesco Everyday Value Beefburgers contained 29 per cent horse meat,

    the internet has been buzzing with equine jokes at the supermarket’s expense.


    *I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

    *Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

    *My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.


    *My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

    *If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.


    *Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’
    Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’

    *Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.


    *What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.


    *A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
    ‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
    ‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’
    ‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’

    *They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

    *A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
    ‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
    ‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’

    *I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

    *Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

    I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.


    *Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
    Tesco won by a short head.

    *I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.


    *I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

    *I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

    *Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

    * tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

    *Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
    Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’

    *Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.

    *Despite the recent bad news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

    *Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

    *I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

    *I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.

    *Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

    *Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.

    *Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’

    And the most groan-inducing . . .

    *What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.

    *I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.

    *I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

    *I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.

    *So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

    *Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

    I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

    *I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.


    *Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Put my Findus Lasagne into microwave. I took it out after 3 minutes & it still wasn't finished. I said, "I've backed you before haven't I?"

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

    An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

    The room erupted in applause.

    Edited by sunsetter
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  • Location: Peasedown St John.N.E.Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Fair to Foul...
  • Location: Peasedown St John.N.E.Somerset

    Oh Mammy what have you done now!!!!!!

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Works for me:

    post-6667-0-30426300-1360763554_thumb.jp

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  • Location: Cerne Valley Dorest
  • Weather Preferences: Anything but foggy damp weather
  • Location: Cerne Valley Dorest

    My Wife worrying over eating Findus Lasagna

    Said "Don't worry love. just trot down shop for me"

    Edited by cerneman
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  • Location: Nr Castle Cary, South Somerset 38m/124.67ft asl
  • Weather Preferences: Proper seasonal weather but especially warm sunny summers.
  • Location: Nr Castle Cary, South Somerset 38m/124.67ft asl

    Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

    He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

    Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.

    The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

    The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

    Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this the mental ward?"

    "No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
    post-6667-0-34718600-1360833755_thumb.jp
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  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and lots of it or warm and sunny, no mediocre dross
  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl

    Roses are Red

    Violets are glorious

    Try not to surprise

    Oscar Pistorious

    Edited by jethro
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  • Location: Downton, Wiltshire
  • Location: Downton, Wiltshire

    post-7340-0-36013100-1360848767_thumb.jp

    Girlfriend says, 'We're so in tune'.

    I say, 'Was it not the first one you laid your eyes on then?'

    We're both pathetic.

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
    post-6667-0-31533400-1360859101_thumb.jp Edited by Coast
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