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IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS......

post-10773-0-96708200-1352237006_thumb.j

...so where are the instructions ?????

in the glove box, obviously!! ya big silly! :)

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I was sitting at the bar in my local pub this afternoon having a chat with some mates of mine, Phil, Terry and Ste.

We were all being the proud dads and I was telling them about my son and how old he was (7 at christmas, fook, time flies!)

Any how, Phil said "Wait until he's my lads age, I went up stairs yesterday to get him for his dinner but he wasn't in his bedroom!" he said "So i thought I'd have a toot round, you know, see what stuff he's into these days, and do you know, at the side of his bed I found a pack of cigs!" Phil looked a tad micturated off at this point and continued "he's only twelve, twelve!!! I didn't even know he smoked!!!"

Terry piped up then as Phil found no solace in his empty pint glass.

"Same kind of thing happened to me once." said terry, trying to get the attention of the bar maid. "I found a half full bottle of vodka in my sons drawers once, he's only 15! I didn't even know he drank!! 3 pints and a coke please."

I'm now thinking at this point, "don't we all do that onions at that age?"

Then ste, who is normally the quite on, joined in the conversation by saying " you think you men have got problems with your kids, I found a packet of condoms in my 14 year old daughters bedroom the other day, 14!!! I didn't even know she had a dick!!!"

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It's 2.35 in the morning!!!

I was just getting tucked up in bed when there was a knock at the front door. Disgruntled, I got up and went down stairs, opened said door to see a man standing there.

Asking what he wanted he said "Sorry to disturb you mate but can you give me a push?"

I said to him "Look mate i'm in my boxers and it's 2.30 in the morning!" with that i closed the door, went back upstairs and got back into bed.

My wife turned over and asked what was going on, so I told her what had happened.

Then she said to me "Imagine if that was us, stuck in the middle of nowhere, how greatful would we be for a little assistance!". So I calmed her down, got out of bed,put on her dressing gown, went back down stairs, opened the door but it seemed that the fellow had gone!

So I called out "Hey mate, where are you?"

Then a small voice called back to me through the darkness saying "I'm over here, on the swings!!"

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in the glove box, obviously!! ya big silly! Posted Image

Now you tell me Posted Image

*doh* I'm going to have to start again now...I didn't think it was right to have some nuts and bolts left over Posted Image

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A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over; the throw rug was against one wall, in the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

post-10773-0-72710600-1352571067_thumb.j

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.'

Happy Gardening.

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A rather amusing shaped warning area on yesterday's Severe T'Storm Warning in NSW. Gave me a bit of a laugh, and a reminder that the inner 12-13 year old doesn't lie too far within, lol.

Posted Image

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I know I'm quite emotional anyway, even so this story especially touched me......

A couple were Christmas shopping and the whole place was packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the wife looked up from a window display and realised that her husband was nowhere to be seen. They had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone, then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:

"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

.

.

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

Edited by sunsetter

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Just posted this on the mod thread and it got a few laughs...

_____________________________________________________

Please Murr, can I have some more?

Posted Image

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Cold Winter Ahead

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the local Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'because the Indians are collecting a sh*tload of firewood'

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I came home tonight to find all of the windows and doors open, and everything gone!!! I ask you, what sort of weirdo does that to an advant calender???

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IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said: "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop, and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said: "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said: "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my

zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for

free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of

this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost

the sausage in."

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