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My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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  • Location: Milton Keynes MK
  • Weather Preferences: anything extreme or intense !
  • Location: Milton Keynes MK

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

    The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He

    produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

    The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's

    underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

    The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?â€

    Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

    Ah, the mind of the Scotsman..

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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    A multi selection of amusing anecdotes

    1.The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

    2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

    3. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the I have a problem in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

    4. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

    5. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

    6. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

    7. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

    8. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

    9. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

    Edited by sunsetter
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  • Location: Beccles, Suffolk.
  • Weather Preferences: Thunder, snow, heat, sunshine...
  • Location: Beccles, Suffolk.
    Posted
  • Location: Renfrewshire
  • Weather Preferences: Snow/Blizzards, Storms, Sun, Lightening
  • Location: Renfrewshire

    http-~~-//images.businessweek.com/ss/05/11/egreetings/image/01.swf

    I was wondering where the hell the music was coming from for about 5 minutes there! http://forum.nwstatic.co.uk//public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.png

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  • Location: High Wycombe
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and Cold.
  • Location: High Wycombe

    If you enjoy a good chuckle then you need to watch this video.

    Edited by IBringTheHammer
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  • Location: Longwell Green, near Bristol
  • Weather Preferences: Storms, Gales, frost, fog & snow
  • Location: Longwell Green, near Bristol

    Probably best to merge with this thread mate;

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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out of the bag

    Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are

    $20 bills falling out of that bag."

    "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

    A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

    So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

    "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

    Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

    "Not everybody pays."

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  • Location: Hayward’s Heath - home, Brighton/East Grinstead - work.
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and storms
  • Location: Hayward’s Heath - home, Brighton/East Grinstead - work.

    http-~~-//images.businessweek.com/ss/05/11/egreetings/image/01.swf

    The more times we can get this on the same page the more versions that set off at once!
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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses

    When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

    'No, love,' he replied.

    "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

    --

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  • Location: Whitkirk, Leeds 86m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Anything but mild south-westeries in winter
  • Location: Whitkirk, Leeds 86m asl

    This might entertain you for a while..

    http://www.qwghlm.co.uk/toys/dailymail/

    "HAVE THE POLES DESTROYED PENSIONERS?"

    "ARE THE FRENCH TURNING TAXPAYERS GAY?"

    ""HAVE SINGLE MOTHERS TURNED BRITAIN'S SWANS GAY?"

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  • Location: Bangor, Northern Ireland (20m asl, near coast)
  • Weather Preferences: Any weather will do.
  • Location: Bangor, Northern Ireland (20m asl, near coast)

    Posted Image

    That Turkey still gobbling up there.

    Edited by The watcher
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  • Location: Bangor, Northern Ireland (20m asl, near coast)
  • Weather Preferences: Any weather will do.
  • Location: Bangor, Northern Ireland (20m asl, near coast)
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  • Location: Bearsden, East Dunbartonshire
  • Location: Bearsden, East Dunbartonshire

    Funny CCTV footage of a guy listening to Bohemian Rhapsody in his car.

    Also enjoyed this incredibe mess-up of a wedding.

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  • Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne (Spital Tongues)
  • Weather Preferences: Cold, Snow, Windstorms and Thunderstorms
  • Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne (Spital Tongues)
    post-6901-0-26236400-1351473407_thumb.jp
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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket

    and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

    He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

    "Could you taste this for me, please?"

    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the

    liquid around and swallows it.

    "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

    "No, not at all," says the chemist.

    "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and

    get my urine tested for sugar."

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  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Weather Preferences: warm hot summer days
  • Location: Corfe Mullen, Dorset

    A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip to Burswood, Perth.

    An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

    The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

    A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

    About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

    The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

    When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

    'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

    'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

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