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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    A senior citizen driving his brand new VW Golf TDI down the motorway, floors it to 90 mph, and is enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he has left.

    'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the fast lane, enjoying the rush.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he see's a police car behind, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    'No problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, 120, then 130mph.

    Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'

    So he pulled over and waited for the officer to catch up.

    Pulling in behind, the police officer walked up to the driver's

    side, looked at his watch and said,

    'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

    The man, looking very seriously at the policeman replied,

    'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

    'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    A man joined a big company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, 'Get me some coffee, quick!' The voice from the other side responded, 'You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?' 'No,' replied the trainee. 'It's the managing director of the company, you fool!' The man shouted back, 'And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?' 'No,' replied the director. 'Good,' said the trainee as he hung up.

    Someone must have a better one...

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: “we're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.”

    The Scotsman says: “I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards.”

    The Irishman says: “I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.”

    The Welshman says: “I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir.”

    The Englishman says: “I'd like to be shot first.”

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    Posted
  • Location: The Fens. 25 asl
  • Location: The Fens. 25 asl

    All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread!

    These are not made up. Check them out yourself.

    1.. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is <http://www.whorepresents.com/ > www.whorepresents.com

    2 . "Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at < http://www.expertsexchange.com/> www.expertsexchange.com

    3.. Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island" at < http://www.penisland.net/> www.penisland.net

    4.. Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at <http://www.therapistfinder.com/ > www.therapistfinder.com

    5.. There's the "Italian Power Generator Company" at <http://www.powergenitalia.com/ > www.powergenitalia.com

    6.. And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales, < http://www.molestationnursery.com/> http://www.molestationnursery.com/

    7.. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

    < http://www.ipanywhere.com/> http://www.ipanywhere.com/

    8.. The "First Cumming Methodist Church" Web site is < http://www.cummingfirst.com/> www.cummingfirst.com

    9.. And the designers at "Speed of Art" await you at their wacky Web site, < http://www.speedofart.com/> http://www.speedofart.com/

    Edited by Slinky
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    Posted
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Blonde Joke No. 1, 169

    A blonde bought a new car and took her brunette friend for a ride.

    Suddenly, another car pulled out right in front of them.

    The blonde bent down and put her lips on the steering wheel!

    "What in the hell are you doing?!" yelled the frightened brunette.

    The blonde calmly replied, "Blowing the horn!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Memorial University of Newfoundland,

    has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

    At a news conference, in St John's, NF announcing the invention,

    a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the Doh a dumb swear filter got the better of met out of him.

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    Posted
  • Location: Barnehurst, near Bexleyheath, Kent
  • Location: Barnehurst, near Bexleyheath, Kent

    Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

    Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

    Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

    Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

    Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

    She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

    "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

    His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

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    Posted
  • Location: Reay, Thurso, Scotland, United Kingdom of Great Britain!
  • Location: Reay, Thurso, Scotland, United Kingdom of Great Britain!

    Posted Image

    :)

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

    He asks her, "Shall we?"

    She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!

    But let's change positions. This time,

    I'll hold the pigeon down, and you Doh a dumb swear filter got the better of met on its head."

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    Posted
  • Location: Baulbrough
  • Location: Baulbrough

    Theres three Fairy tale People Signing up for the Guiness book of World records
    There's
    Snow white who is the prettiest!
    Tom Thumb who is the Smallest!
    Egor who is the Uggliest!
    They all walk to the Guinees book of world records Building!

    Snow White goes in
    She comes back out side witha great big smile on her Face
    she said
    "i am now Officially the worlds Prettiest woman!"

    Tom Thumb goes in
    Huge grin on his face when he comes back out
    he said!
    "i am now the worlds smallest man!"

    Egor Goes in
    Comes back out he was not happy at all!
    he said
    "who's who's .... Camilla Parker Boles!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Lochgelly - Highest town in Fife at 150m ASL.
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and cold. Enjoy all extremes though.
  • Location: Lochgelly - Highest town in Fife at 150m ASL.

    Guy in pub having a drink with his mates. One mate says to him why so downhearted? the guy replies that his sex life (or lack of it) is getting him down.His mate replies that he probably needs to spice things up a bit by trying different positions etc. Hadn't thought of that said the guy - do you know of any? The mate suggests the wheelbarrow position and explains how to achieve it. The guy immediately leaves for home with a spring in his step to see his wife. Darling, said the guy, I think I may know how to spice up our sex life and make it more interesting and enjoyable for you. How, replies the wife. It's called the wheelbarrow position replies the guy which involves you getting down on all fours and I get behind you, lift your legs up and away we go. Well ok said the wife but I have two conditions (1) you don't hurt me. That goes without saying said the guy. (2) said the wife I am not going past my mothers!

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  • Location: Lochgelly - Highest town in Fife at 150m ASL.
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and cold. Enjoy all extremes though.
  • Location: Lochgelly - Highest town in Fife at 150m ASL.

    Any other ladies going to own up to this? It happened to me just before Christmas. Out shopping with a friend as I wanted to buy a new pair of jeans. Visited a few shops and in the last shop tried on a pair which were a nice style but were too tight. I handed them back to my friend outside the fitting room and asked her to bring me the next size up. As she handed me the larger size I asked her to bring the smaller size back. Changed your mind? she asked - no I said, my nickers are inside them!

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    Posted
  • Location: Swallownest, Sheffield 83m ASL
  • Location: Swallownest, Sheffield 83m ASL

    Is Windows a Virus?

    No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

    * They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

    * Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

    * Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

    * Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

    * Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So Windows is not a virus.

    It's a bug.

    :)

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  • Location: Isle of wight
  • Location: Isle of wight

    > A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on

    > board,

    > bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver

    > fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to

    > try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver

    > pulls over.

    > "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

    > "Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the

    > driver,

    > "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

    > "Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and

    > gets on his way.

    > The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a

    > good

    > few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway,

    > still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

    > "What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester

    > Zoo!"

    > "I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but theres still fifty quid left

    > so

    > now we're going to Alton Towers."

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