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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you’re all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him and says. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, 'I just want to ask ye,how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £50 notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c’mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish’.

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WEATHER FORECASTING TOP 10 FACTS



1. If there's a 50-50 chance that a forecast will go wrong, 9 times out of 10 it will.

2. No matter how the forecast turns out - there's always another forecaster who "knew it would"

3. The forecaster who "knew it would happen that way", never told anyone else about it before hand.

4. The unwritten forecast is always the one that verifies best.

5. No two weather patterns are alike, although someone will remember one just like this that occurred back in '84.

6. No matter how far in advanced a significant storm is forecast the media will always call it unexpected.

7. If you get a "gut feeling" about a forecast - it’s probably heartburn.

8. When writing a forecast make it so long that no one will bother to read it.


9. Bribing the observer will only be tolerated from just before, until just after verification times.

10. All extended forecasts fall into the realm of make believe stuff (or Fantasy Island)
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.............

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If only i could turn that cold tap on...Posted Image

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.

*Don't waste ammunition.

*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

*Always make sure you know who is in control.

*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

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A group of Older People were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your Blessings," said a man cheerfully - - "Thank God we can all still drive."

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A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I just won £10 , here's £5 - now Sod off!"

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hahahahahaha that is so me i sent my partner up the steepest road when we were in the lake district a few years ago teehee

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Man sat in a pub boasting that the dog at his feet will only do what he tells him and will ignore all instructions from anyone else. Another guy responds with '£50 says I can get your dog to do what I tell him' After shaking hands on the bet the guys picks up the dog, chucks him onto the fire and shouts GET OFF!!

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I loaded Bonnie Tyler's voice into the sat nav in my car last month. It's crap! It keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart!

Don't think I will be using it in France!

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I woke up to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed last night.

At first i was afraid... then i was petrified...

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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically

telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this

take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I

stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my

breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without

missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a

straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

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A smart phone from the 80's....

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Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!

What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

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