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Posted
  • Location: Hertford
  • Location: Hertford

    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the Bird

    section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks

    if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in

    dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard

    box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's

    truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

    At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1,000 foot drop and says, "Dis

    looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on

    each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off

    and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

    "Foo dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

    THERE'S MORE...

    Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop

    too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in

    one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws

    himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way

    down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to

    plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his

    body.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting

    either."

    IT IS NOT OVER YET...

    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean

    appears. He's also been to

    the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a

    chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the

    cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his

    spine.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with

    his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n

    hengliding!"

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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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    Posted
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

    40-ish - 49

    Adventurous - Slept with everyone

    Athletic - No tits

    Average looking - Ugly

    Beautiful - Pathological liar

    Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

    Emotionally secure - On medication

    Feminist - Fat

    Free spirit - Junkie

    Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

    Fun - Annoying

    New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

    Open-minded - Desperate

    Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

    Passionate - Sloppy drunk

    Professional - Bitch

    Voluptuous - Very Fat

    Large frame - Hugely Fat

    Wants Soul mate - Stalker

    WOMEN'S ENGLISH

    1. Yes = No

    2. No = Yes

    3. Maybe = No

    4. We need = I want

    5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

    6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

    7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

    8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

    9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

    10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

    MEN'S ENGLISH

    1. I am hungry = I am hungry

    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

    3. I am tired = I am tired

    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

    5. I love you = let's have sex now

    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

    7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

    8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

    11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

    And finally.....

    A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

    For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

    However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

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    Posted
  • Location: Calgary, Canada (1230m asl)
  • Weather Preferences: Wind driven falling snow
  • Location: Calgary, Canada (1230m asl)

    If women are so good at multi-tasking then why can't they have a headache and make love at the same time?

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

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    Posted
  • Location: The Fens. 25 asl
  • Location: The Fens. 25 asl

    (I wouldn't recommend actually trying this, but it made me laugh)

    Haha, just got this in an email:

    If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a bus, train or

    plane....

    1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

    2. Remove your laptop.

    3. Start it.

    4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

    5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

    6. Then hit this link: Linky

    :rolleyes:

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    Posted
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
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    Posted
  • Location: New Zealand
  • Location: New Zealand

    The mind boggles at what was going through this students mind in this exam. It does show that the people that score the exams have no sense of humour though.

    post-4339-1169985653_thumb.jpg

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    Posted
  • Location: Isle of wight
  • Location: Isle of wight

    > Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a

    > woman alive today who won't find this funny!

    >

    > I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

    > Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell

    > me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only

    > just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around

    > 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have

    > any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra

    > effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't

    > going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw

    > off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink,

    > and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at

    > least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket,

    > donned, some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

    >

    > I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

    > Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,

    > looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in

    > Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little

    > surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this

    > morning, haven't we?"

    >

    > I didn't respond.

    >

    > After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The

    > rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

    >

    > After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out

    > from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get

    > another one from the cupboard.

    >

    > She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all

    > my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Mrs M laughed when i read it out, Kelly!!

    Here's another one from the classic Little Johnny!

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

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    Posted
  • Location: Dennyloanhead. (49m ASL)
  • Location: Dennyloanhead. (49m ASL)

    After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the

    mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that

    need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot

    completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

    They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial

    action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next

    flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as

    submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance

    engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had

    an accident.

    P = The problem logged by the pilot.

    S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

    S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.

    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.

    S: Cat installed.

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

    his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

    required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

    exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying Easyjet." He said

    that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

    passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

    Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking

    with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no"

    said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we

    land or were we shot down?"

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    Posted
  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side
  • Weather Preferences: Storms storms and more storms
  • Location: The Wash - Norfolk side

    Cheggers, you missed the best one

    p - There is a sound coming from under the aircraft which sounds like a midget with a hammer

    s - Took the hammer away from the midget

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

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    Posted
  • Location: Calgary, Canada (1230m asl)
  • Weather Preferences: Wind driven falling snow
  • Location: Calgary, Canada (1230m asl)

    Why are there no phones in china?

    Incase the wing the wong person.

    I fear with that one slightly close to the bone joke you may eventually open up a whole raft of "Irish-daftie" jokes. Well, you did ask for it.

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    Posted
  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    Old joke.

    Britney spears and justion timberlake were out for a walk on a beach. O look britney theres a dead bird!

    Where says britney and looks up.!

    Why should you never tell some one a secert around an alarm clock???

    Cause time always tells.

    To be sent as two seperate text messages.

    Remember the tv program "skippy"? Was his dad the park ranger or helicopter pilot?

    No his father was a kangaroo you MUPPET!

    Edited by kippure
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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    A man is driving along a highway

    and sees a rabbit jump out

    across the middle of the road.

    He swerves to avoid hitting it,

    but unfortunately

    the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver,

    a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

    pulls over and gets out to see

    what has become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay,

    the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful

    that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman

    driving down the highway

    sees a man crying on the

    side of the road

    and pulls over.

    She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," !

    he explains,

    "I accidentally hit this rabbit

    and killed it."

    The blonde says,

    "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car

    and pulls out a spray can.

    She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,

    bends down,

    and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up,

    waves its paw at the two of them

    and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops,

    turns around and waves again,

    he hops down the road another 10 feet,

    turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

    and repeats this again and again and again,

    until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.

    He runs over to the woman and demands,

    "What is in that can?

    What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around

    so that the man can read the label.

    It says..

    (Are you ready for this?)

    (Are you sure?)

    (This is bad!)

    (It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

    (You know you could just click off

    and not read the punch line....)

    (You can still delete it)

    (You know you're gonna be sorry)

    (Last chance)

    (OK, here it is)

    It says,

    "Hair Spray -

    Restores life to dead hair,

    and adds permanent wave."

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    Posted
  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    DEFECTIVE PARROT

    A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little

    perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I

    wonder what happened to this parrot?"

    The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

    "Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

    “I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

    intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

    "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your

    perch without any feet?"

    "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you

    asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You

    can't see it because of my feathers."

    "I'm amazed," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

    "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

    reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,

    physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought

    to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

    The guy looks at the $20,000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

    "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me,

    cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $200; just make the guy an offer!"

    The guy offers $200 and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,

    he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

    The guy is delighted.

    One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

    "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I

    should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

    "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

    When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

    the door in a sheer black nightie."

    "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

    "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"

    reported the parrot.

    "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

    "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his

    knees and began to kiss her all over...."

    The guy, frantic by now, demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

    "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    DEFECTIVE PARROT

    <snip>

    :good::rofl::)

    RIGHT THING TO SAY

    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,

    I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

    I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such Perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Ashbourne,County Meath,about 6 miles northwest of dublin airport. 74m ASL
  • Weather Preferences: Cold weather - frost or snow
  • Location: Ashbourne,County Meath,about 6 miles northwest of dublin airport. 74m ASL

    There was a farmer who lived out in the countryside and lived on his own, he only had his lttle jack russell dog to keep him company. However the farmer was so mean that he would never buy his poor dog any food.The only way the farmer would feed the dog was when the farmer would go out to a field take a crap and the dog would eat it.

    Anyway the locals got to hear of this and were disgusted and decided to teach the farmer a lesson.They thought of an idea that when the farmer went out to the field to take his crap that one of them would be waiting behind a wall nearby to shoot the farmer in the I have a problem with a pellet gun.

    They day came anyway and as planned one of the locals was waiting with the pellet gun behind the wall.The farmer eventually came out to take his crap in the field with his littlle dog beside him. The farmer unbuttened his trousers and squatted down and let it all go.The guy behind the wall took aim and fired,but the little dog was starving with the hunger and dived in too quickly and was hit on the nose with the pellet.The dog ran around in circles yelping like crazy.The farmer turned around to his dog unaware of what happened and roared "ah ya greedy little laminate floor ya,that will teach you,you will wait till it bloody well cools the next time!"

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    Posted
  • Location: Isle of wight
  • Location: Isle of wight

    Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."

    Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

    Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

    A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

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    Posted
  • Location: Braintree
  • Location: Braintree

    A Man & a woman are enjoying their wedding night, they are about to get down to business when the woman says, “please you will be gentle with me won’t you this is my first time”.

    The husband looks shocked, “you’ve been married 3 times before!!”

    “But there’s something I forgot to tell you, I’m still a virgin.

    My first husband was a psychologist so all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

    My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

    My third husband was stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was OOH my god how I miss him.

    But this time I’m marrying a lawyer, so I know I going to get properly screwed.

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