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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.....You realise when you read the information above how political correctness has gone mad and stopped us from having a good laugh at terrific pieces of work.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

>At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Edited by Cheggers

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The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit - lol)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination

:rofl:

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Why was the tornado arrested?

For speeding, assault and murder.

In what type of jail is a naughty tornado put into?

A high pressure cell.

What is the opposite of a Warm Front?

A cold back.

What happens when two lighning bolts touch each other?

It shocks them.

Why are thunderstorms like bombs?

because' they go off in a bang!

Why is this site full of rain?

Because it's WetWeather.TV

Why is the weather constantly wanting privacy?

Because it's always changing.

Why are snow showers glad to see the moon ahead of them at night?

So the snowflakes can see where they are falling.

What happens if a hurricane doesn't have a hole in the middle?

It means its blind.

Why were the snowflakes depressed when they fell from the sky?

Because they were always 'down'.

And how do we know that showers suffer illnesses?

because' they're always coming down with something.

How do we know that the weather is not always happy?

It has it's depressions.

Why is the sky unhappy on clear days?

It has the blues.

What did the tornado say to the Truck?

"Wanna go for a spin?"

Why does the Netweather.TV Forum remind people of 'Snow flurries with thunder?"

Because of Thundery wintry showers. (no offence intended). :)

What is a tornado's most favourite game?

Catch My Drift

Who do you need to stay away from if you dislike warm sea breezes?

Coast. (don't worry dude, just kidding).

If the upper temperatures were at minus ten, with 0*C dewpoints and there was alot of ghost clouds about, what do you think will fall from the sky?

Transparent snow.

Edited by Rainbow Snow

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5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up

her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It

said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great

opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you

just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing

on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas,

and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want

those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do

nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a

sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull 'I would love to be able to get to the

top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.

It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of

the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull s**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird

froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize

how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing

cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,

and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who S**** on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the S*** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep S***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

Edited by MKsnowangel

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I was standing in the queue today in Asda and a voice announced "Checkout no. 45 please."

I've seen better.

and

"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that...?"

thought the spider.

Edited by Isolated Frost

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5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up

her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It

said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great

opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you

just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing

on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas,

and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want

those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do

nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a

sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull 'I would love to be able to get to the

top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.

It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of

the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull s**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird

froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize

how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing

cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,

and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who S**** on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the S*** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep S***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

Just had to replay this for those that might have missed it.

Great stuff! is it your own?

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I was standing in the queue today in Asda and a voice announced "Checkout no. 45 please."

I've seen better.

and

"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that...?"

thought the spider.

Been on Sickipedia much lately?

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my wife complained that i was imature and selfish

and that we must talk this out

i replied " yeah like thats gonna happen in the middle of conker season"

i,ll get me coat

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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Moral of the story:

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Edited by MKsnowangel

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This has to be one of the greatest ideas

I've heard......... and I'm sure that

someone could figure out how to do it!


Here's a simple

solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at

airports


Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but,

instead of X-raying them, when the door closes,

it will detonate any explosive device

they have hidden on or in their body.

.

The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone!
.

There would be no more concern about racial profiling.

.

The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials.
.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion,

followed by an announcementover the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers,

we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?







Brilliant...

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human bodyâ€.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?â€

The man replies, “My wife.â€

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FAMOUS LAST WORDS………..

What does this button do?

I think it's trying to communicate

Don't be so superstitious.

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du....

I'll hold it and you light the fuse

Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.

Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.

I dunno, press the button and find out.

Hello, is anyone home?

Oops.

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

He can't hear us, he's miles away

I'll be right back.

I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.

Don't worry, we outnumber them.

Hey, what the hell??!

Hey, what's that beeping sound?

I'm sure it's just the wind.

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Excuses For Not going Into Work

You've heard of the dog who ate homework, but what about the cat who unplugged the alarm clock? These days, people are getting

very creative when they don't want to go to work.

In Career Builder's survey "Out of the Office," more than one-third of workers say they played hooky from work over the last twelve months. Thirty-five percent of workers admit to calling in sick when they felt well at least once during the last year and one-in-ten said they did so three or more times.
Why are they calling in sick? The top three motivators for faking include attending to personal errands and appointments, catching up on sleep and simply relaxing. The reasons also include attending a child's event, the weather, making plans with friends and going on a job interview
But could you get away with saying you had to go to your mother's dog's funeral or that you had brain cancer? Would you believe an employee who forgot the way to work, or was arrested because of mistaken identity? Think carefully, if you're debating calling in sick, here are some unusual excuses for missing work.....

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
I couldn't find my shoes.
I wrote off my jeep in a collision with a cow.
A hit man was looking for me.
My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
I eloped.
My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.
I forgot what day of the week it was.
Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
A tree fell on my car.
My monkey died.
I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.
Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!
My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.
My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my bedroom.
I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .




Wait for it.

It's coming. .







The suspense is Killing you, isn't it?







She says
:
'You just happened to catch my eye!'

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Subject: SEX FROG

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'

Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.

She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,

'Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her flat, she opens the instructions and

reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow

the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .

NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper

it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store, immediately.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within

minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly

into its eyes and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!'

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Had a hot date with an amazingly gorgeous girl on Saturday night. The trouble is I can't remember what happened after 2 drinks - must have taken a sip from her glass by mistake !!

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