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shuggee

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your butthole before prison, ..."

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Did I tell you about the German Shepherd that keeps jumping over my fence and cr*pping in my garden............his dogs just as bad!

Ithangyow

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The internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day they were called broken biscuits.

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Only a fool gives his wife a grand piano.

A wise man gives her a upright organ.

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Bump!

(Ow! Heavy thread this is).

Anyway ladies, how does this suit you? Need upper arm strength?

Try this...

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Phil.

Edited by Phil UK

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Selling biscuits for 27p, that's Asda price.

Selling toys for 99p, that's Fisher price.

Selling pathetic rape stories to the press.... That's Katie Price!

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"It would have been 50% cheaper for Madonna to adopt Jordan’s son.

He’s half Price."

Ooops! :aggressive:

Phil.

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"It would have been 50% cheaper for Madonna to adopt Jordan's son.

He's half Price."

Ooops! Posted Image

Phil.

:aggressive: To be fair we could go on all night with jokes about that scummy piece of plastic!

Edited by nick2702

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(Jokes)

Q: What is the most bounciest season of the year?

A: Spring

Q: What is a snakes favourite food?

A: Hiss and chips

Q: What did the rain say to the wintry precipitation?

A: Snow away and never come back

Q: Did you hear about the monkey who always won the lottery?

A: Everyone complained all the tickets were gone everytime they wanted to play.

Q: What do you name a man who is tasty?

A: Bun

One day, Tails decided to visit the pet store. He searched around for a particular item, but he could not find what he was looking for. Up ahead was the shop keeper, so Tails asked her about whether the store had any traps in stock. Tails also told the shop keeper that he was in a awful hurry. The lady, however, thought he needed a large trap, because Tails had a train to catch.

Q: Which place do todders dislike going to when they are taught numbers?

A: The Tentist

Q: Why are people reminded of a brush when reading a storybook?

A: Because they are reading a tale

Q: Did you hear about sunny boy?

A: He caught fire

Q: What do you get when you cross bad luck with glue?

A: Someone who is in a sticky situation

Q: What insect is very gentle and quiet?

A: A Humble Bee

Did you know that if this website got flooded with water it would become WetWeather.tv

Q: What happened when the elevator had a plan on its mind?

A: It came up with something

Q: What is the slimmest country in the world?

A: Thinland

Q: What is green, prickly, pointy, yet somehow doesn't quite touch the ground?

A: The canopy of a Christmas Tree

Q: How do you know when you have come across a bad joker?

A: It is bent and ripped all over the place (hint: pack of playing cards)

Ben: "Did you know that the alphabet is like a disc"?

Bob: "How's that possible?"

Ben: "Because of A B C D...

Q: What device do buzzing insects like use to listen to their music?

A: An MPBee player

Q: Where are most notes kept?

A: On a piano

Luke: "Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a chip?"

Doctor: "Good, I've been starving all day"

Q: Did you hear about Mr. Monkey who tried to manufacture fruit?

A: He went bananas

Q: Where are train robbers taken to if they get caught by the police?

A: To the jailway station

A man was walking down a wood, until suddenly, he heard this loud buzzing noise behind him. "OW!" yelled the man, "that really hurt." He saw a rather big black and yellow insect up ahead, which had stung the man. Watching the insect fly further and further away from him, the man said, "My that was a Beest."

Q: Who cleans out the trash cans in this place?

A: Binda

Q: What game involves a bat and makes you dash very fast around posts?

A: Runders

Q: What do wolves celebrate on October 31st?

A: Howlloween

Q: What did the short pencil say to the long pencil?

A: I'm too old to write

Sarah: "I think Mr. Wrong said we have a school assembly now"

Dave: "Well I don't see anyone in the hall, so he's obviously incorrect"

Q: What is blue, orange, red, blue, orange, red and blue, orange, red?

A: Sonic rolling down a hill

Q: And what is blue, orange, red, brown, blue, orange, red, brown and blue, orange, red, brown?

A: Sonic who rolled in a small dung pile

Q: How do you know when the sea is angry with the beach?

A: It doesn't wave

Q: What do you call a guy who spends a lot of time around enclosed rocky areas?

A: Cavid

Q: How do you cheer up a person who is always unhappy

A: Do everything in reverse (like juggling)

Q: What happens when it rains?

A: It's actually the clouds going to the loo

A lady set herself a challenge by seeing how many buildings she could enter within a hour. She first went to a very tall building, walked inside, then went back out again. She then went into a nearby building and out again. The lady kept a record of the number of buildings she entered. But just as she went inside a third building, she walked past a boy and whispered "three" to herself. The boy heard her say this and said, "that's odd."

(hint: 3 is an odd number)

Q: What happens when you say to someone, "think outside the box?"

A: They think of everything that is outside the box

Q: What sports equipment is dangerous and charges at you?

A: A ball

Q: Why are one or two of my jokes like quicksand?

A: They could take a while to sink in

Posted Image

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A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Eck would you say?'

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>

>>> TWO NUNS

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> There were two nuns...

>>>

>>> One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

>>>

>>> and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

>>>

>>> It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

>>>

>>> SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past

>>> thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

>>>

>>> SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

>>>

>>> SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!

>>> What can we do?

>>>

>>> SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

>>>

>>> SM: It's not working.

>>>

>>> SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He

>>> started to walk faster, too.

>>>

>>> SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

>>>

>>> SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and

>> I'll

>>> go this way. He cannot follow us both.

>>>

>>> So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what

>>> has happened to Sister Logical.

>>>

>>> Then Sister Logical arrives.

>>>

>>> SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what

>>> happened!

>>>

>>> SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us

>>> both,so he followed me

>>>

>>> SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

>>>

>>> SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I

>>> could and he started to run as fast as he could.

>>>

>>> SM: And?

>>>

>>> SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

>>>

>>> SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

>>>

>>> SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

>>>

>>> SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

>>>

>>> SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

>>>

>>> SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

>>> A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

>>>

>>> And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

>>>

>>> I'll pray for you!

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

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PENGUIN BURIAL RITES

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more !!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole !!

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you ?

post-10773-12697755931155_thumb.gif

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Unless you have kids you won't get this:

Apparently I fart like the Ninky Nonk.

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I handed in my notice for my part time job at the helium balloon factory...

im not being spoken to like that!

A ship has gone down in the English channel, it was carryin a cargo of yo-yo's...

dont worry it came back up.

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I was walking down the street yesterday and was hit over the head by a flying frozen pizza and a packet of turkey twizzlers. Apparently it's all part of the fallout from Iceland...

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I was walking down the street yesterday and was hit over the head by a flying frozen pizza and a packet of turkey twizzlers. Apparently it's all part of the fallout from Iceland...

That made me laugh, dude.

Joke rating: 9/10 Posted Image

"The statistics show that monkies go completly bananas during the 4th month of the year. That's because the 4th month of the year is Ape-pril."

Q: What is shiny, bendy, round and is briefly visited by humans?

A: A foilet.

Q: Why do people look forward to dinner the most?

A: Because it is Tealiscious (delicious)

"When you crawl through a very weak large tunnel, you're guaranteed to get caught out in a heavy shower, but your parents will not be very pleased to find mud all over your head."

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When Grandma went to Court....

This story shows that Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer !!

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs Jones, do you know me ?' she responded 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a paper pusher, yes, I know you'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney ?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him'

The defense attourney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said ' If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair !'

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Little Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.

'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse; it's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!

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