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My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

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  • Location: Heswall, Wirral
  • Weather Preferences: Summer: warm, humid, thundery. Winter: mild, stormy, some snow.
  • Location: Heswall, Wirral

    ROTFLMAO like thatll ever happen!

    Sorry guys i cant make you laugh, im impotent

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  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City
  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City

    ROTFLMAO like thatll ever happen!

    Sorry guys i cant make you laugh, im impotent

    This forum is not a place for divulging personal health issues.

    :drinks:

    Edited by PersianPaladin
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  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire
  • Location: Warminster, Wiltshire

    A limerick texted to me by my brother yesterday...

    ... There's was an old man called Reg

    Who went with a girl in a hedge

    Along came his wife

    With a large carving knife

    And chopped off his meat and two veg.

    ;)

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  • Location: Heswall, Wirral
  • Weather Preferences: Summer: warm, humid, thundery. Winter: mild, stormy, some snow.
  • Location: Heswall, Wirral

    What's 30 meters long and smells faintly of urine?

    Line-dancing in an old peoples' home.

    you were saying something about health? I've nearly just been sick imagining that :)

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  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    Man picks up this girl in a night club...and they have a great time. At the end of the night he offers to drop her home. As they pass a halting site, the girls says stop here. He says i thought you were a staff nurse, No says she i was one of the ward sisters. http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

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  • Location: Berkshire
  • Location: Berkshire

    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

    "Thatsounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't

    have your kayak and heat it too.

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After

    about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed be halitosis.

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    post-1217-1168344576_thumb.jpg

    The ultimate female piercing.

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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    Jeff works hard at the office, but he spends two nights each week bowling, and he plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Jeff! Hows things?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

    "Oh no," says Jeff. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Jeff if he'd like his usual, and brings over a pint of Fosters. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Fosters?"

    "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a pint at the end of the 1st nine".

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jeff and says, "Hi Jeff, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    Jeff's wife, now furious, grabs her handbag and storms out of the club.

    Jeff follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

    The cabby turns around and says, "Gee Jeff, you picked up a real caravan this time."

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

    The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

    The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

    The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

    "Your wasting your time," said the boy.

    "Why is that?" the mum asked puzzled.

    "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

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  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

    The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

    The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

    The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

    "Your wasting your time," said the boy.

    "Why is that?" the mum asked puzzled.

    "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

    http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif :):)http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mellow.gif :)

    Where do bad shapes go?

    Prism!!! :)

    Edited by kippure
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  • Location: Larbert
  • Location: Larbert

    When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.

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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in."

    They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table.

    They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.

    A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks,

    "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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  • Location: Crowborough, East Sussex 180mASL
  • Location: Crowborough, East Sussex 180mASL

    A chap and his wife are sorting out their finances and budgeting for the coming year.

    Looking through the bills she declares, 'you spent £200 a month on average for beer last year. You will have to cut back, we can't afford to spend at that rate'.

    Her husband quickly retorts, 'Hell woman, you spent £300 a month on make up and underwear'.

    Cleverly she replies, 'it's money well spent to make myself look sexy and attractive for you'.

    Swiftly he replies, 'That's what the beers for'.

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