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Posted
  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Snow and lots of it or warm and sunny, no mediocre dross
  • Location: Somerset midway between Bath&Wells. Mendips 200m asl

    Bet it is too...

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    Edited by jethro
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    My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

    A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

    I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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    Posted
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
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    Posted
  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl
  • Weather Preferences: Cold, crisp, calm and sunny
  • Location: Bedfordshire/Herts border 40m asl

    Just confirming what we already knew; that most lawyers are stupid but American lawyers have stupidity down to an art form. Enjoy.

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lay there.

    ________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh....

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh?

    ____________________________________________

    And the best for last

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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    Posted
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada
  • Location: Rossland BC Canada

    Did you actually see my client enter your home and take your television?

    Yes, why do you ask?

    I was hoping you'd say no, I get paid by the hour.

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  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City
  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City

    For those who missed it...Frankie Boyle's Scotland on Sunday column

    piece.

    Glasgow Miles Metter

    Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the world where I could

    depend on one of the locals to punch a man who was on fire, it would

    always be Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and a black

    eye.

    I think we should get a photo of that guy PUNCHING A FLAMING MAN, blow

    it up and make it the welcome sign at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we

    should have the words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'.

    I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. Trying to bring religious war to

    Glasgow.

    You're 400 years too late guys. You've not even got a football team.

    I think that we should give Partick Thistle to al-Qaeda. If only for

    the joy of hearing them read out their team sheet on Saturday at 5am

    from the top of a mosque.

    The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the attack by flying the

    Union Jack.

    Really, in Glasgow that's never been a great way of getting your

    insurance premiums down.

    If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could get al-Qaeda to

    blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I think we should definitely

    start putting signs up round Shettleston's high flats that say

    'Financial

    Quarter'.

    For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport.

    Was it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning up late for

    check-in?

    People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel container.

    I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue coming out of Duty Free -

    the whole place would have gone up like Hiroshima.

    The best bit is being told that hundreds of people were saved from

    being

    hideously burnt...these were Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll

    come back looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip of a

    volcano!

    Cheers!

    Alex.C

    There are twelve million sheep in Ontario.

    Problem is nine million of them think they are people.

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    Posted
  • Location: South Norfolk, 44 m ASL.
  • Weather Preferences: Not a fan of heatstroke.
  • Location: South Norfolk, 44 m ASL.

    From Piece of Paper sketch on Myspace, may I present, the Goon Show, episode "Mysterious Punch-Up the Conker, "Piece of Paper" sketch:

    Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?

    Eccles: Err, just a minute. I, I've got it written down 'ere on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.

    Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?

    Eccles: Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.

    Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...

    Eccles: What is it fellow?

    Bluebottle: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.

    Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.

    Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?

    Eccles: Ah, den I don't show it to dem.

    Bluebottle: Ooohhh...

    Eccles: [smacks lips] Yeah.

    Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?

    Eccles: I've got it written down on a piece of paper!

    Bluebottle: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.

    Eccles: Oohhhh.

    Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?

    Eccles: Yah.

    Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'.

    Eccles: What? I've been sold a forgery!

    Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.

    Eccles: Oh dear.

    Bluebottle: You should get one of them tings my grandad's got.

    Eccles: Oooohhh?

    Bluebottle: His firm give it to him when he retired.

    Eccles: Oooohhh.

    Bluebottle: It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.

    Eccles: Ohhh yeah! What's it called? Um...

    Bluebottle: My granma.

    Eccles: Ohh... Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?

    Bluebottle: She's got it written down on a piece of paper!

    Bluebottle is a scruffy schoolboy character voiced by Peter Sellers, whilst Eccles is a village idiot character voiced by the incomparable Spike Milligan.

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    Posted
  • Location: Dorset UK
  • Location: Dorset UK

    NASA recently sent up an experimental shuttle mission with two monkeys and a woman. Each had their pre flight check schedules.

    THE FIRST MONKEY

    PERFORM ET TPS ICE/FROST & DEBRIS EVALUATION

    VERIFY NO INCREASE ABOVE BASELINE FOR 132 OTC,CHGD

    H2 CONCENTRATION PRIOR TO START OF LOX/LH2

    LOADING IN THE FOLLOWING LOCATIONS:

    ORBITER PAYLOAD BAY

    ORBITER LOWER MID BODY

    ORBITER AFT FUSELAGE

    ERFORM OMS PROP TANK REPRESSURIZATION 132 OTC,COOS

    (CONT'D)

    VERIFY SRB NOZZLE FLEX BEARING & SRB NOZZLE 136 TBC,CPWR

    TO CASE JOINT TEMPERATURE REQUIREMENTS

    ACTIVATE LCC MONITORING SOFTWARE 136 TBC,OTC

    T-05H50M LH2 FACILITY & ORBITER CHILLDOWN COMPLETE. 136 NTD,TBC,CLHY

    INITIATE LH2 SLOW FILL TO 5% SENSORS WET 232

    LOX TRANSFER LINE CHILLDOWN COMPLETE 136 NTD,TBC,CLOX

    232

    INITIATE ORBITER MPS CHILLDOWN NTD,TBC,CLOX

    T-05H22M PERFORM IMU PREFLIGHT CALIBRATION

    THE SECOND MONKEY

    MPS LH2 RECIRC PUMP ACTIVATION COMPLETE 132 OTC,CMPS

    T-04H00M PERFORM MILA ANTENNA ALIGNMENT 232 NTD,MILA,CCSE

    *FLT(Houston)

    (1 HOUR)

    PERFORM LH2 ET ULLAGE PRESSURE TRANSDUCER 132 NTD,TBC,CLHY

    NUMBER 4 VERIFICATION 232 *FLT

    T-03H45M LH2 98% SENSOR IS WET. INITIATE TOPPING 136 CLHY

    TO 100%. GMT ________ 232

    ET BIPOD HEATERS ARE ACTIVATED

    PERFORM FUEL CELL PURGE 212 OTC,CFCP

    OPS TRANSITION IS COMPLETE 212 CDPS,OTC,NTD

    T-18M30S BACKUP FLT SYSTEM TO OPS 1 TRANSITION 212 CDR,OTC,NTD

    IS COMPLETE

    T-18M00S PERFORM T-20 MINUTE GPC DUMP 212 OTC,CDPS,CVFS

    (7 MINUTES)

    T-16M00S PERFORM BACKUP FLT SYSTEM PREFLIGHT 212 NTD,*FLT,CVFS

    UPLINK LOADING

    VERIFY WATER SPRAY BOILER QUANTITY OTC,CHYD

    PERFORM MPS HELIUM RECONFIGURATION 212 OTC,CDR

    T-15M00S OMS/RCS CROSSFEED VALVES CONFIGURED

    THE WOMAN

    Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.

    Edited by phil47uk
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    Posted
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Enjoy these classic lines from Jezza:

    "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

    "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.

    With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

    "[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

    ..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

    "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for w****r"

    On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

    Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

    On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:

    "there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".

    Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"

    Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

    "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

    "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

    "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

    'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

    "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

    "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"

    (Fed up during the caravaning trip)

    "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

    "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.

    Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

    (mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

    "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

    Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

    "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"

    "Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

    1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

    2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"

    3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!

    "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

    "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

    On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

    "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

    "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"

    Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"

    Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

    In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

    "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

    Assessing Hammond's crash:

    Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"

    Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."

    Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

    "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...

    for a murderer."

    "I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

    "there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

    "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.

    It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

    "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

    "you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

    Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

    Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Thanks Wibs, love him or hate him, Jezza always has a view, here are some more:

    “So, the BMW M6. How would it stack up to the Aston I drove earlier? There is a lot to not like about the BMW. The grotesque carbon-fibre dashboard, the enormous steering wheel and the fact that this one is the colour of a vet's forearm”.

    (About the Ferrari Enzo) “I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said, "You know, can we borrow yours?" and he said, "Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing".

    (About the TVR Tuscan 2) “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon's backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says its too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone's tried to mend their own shoes”.

    (On the Kia Rio) "You may have seen The Fly II, in which a scientist attempts to teleport a dog. In one of the most gruesome scenes I’ve seen in a film it arrives at its destination completely inside out. Well the Rio is uglier than that. Inside, things get worse.” Small wonder Kia’s importer in Britain is sponsoring the Pedestrian Association’s Walking Bus scheme. The idea is that parents take it in turns to walk a group, or "bus", of children to their school in a morning. After three days of being transported in the Rio, my kids thought it was a brilliant idea to walk instead. Even though their school is 18 miles away and it was blowing a gale directly from the Canadian tundra."

    (peering into the engine bay on the Lotus Exige)” To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you've got chicken wire, Bakofoil and Tupperware. It's kind of like peering into one of your grannies' old kitchen cabinets”.

    [announcing the Top Gear 2005 Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas-guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn't move an inch”.

    Concorde's final flight brought out Clarkson's poignant side: "This is one small step for man, but one giant leap backwards for mankind."

    Clarkson's scorn for the sensible is neatly demonstrated by this statement on small cars: "We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel

    When testing the Bentley Continental GT, Jezza just couldn't see the point in a lever on the dash that adjusted the suspension. He concluded: "It really is about as useful as putting a snooze button on a smoke alarm."

    Clarkson the cultural critic had this to say on the meaning of 'cool': "Cool is just another way of saying 'not very popular'. The Guardian is cool. Desks made out of zinc are cool. Rolf Harris, on the other hand, is warm."

    Clarkson was most impressed by the robust new Rolls Royce: "It looks like it might kick your head in... for fun. Especially in black. In a pale colour or silver, it looks like Vinnie Jones in one of Graham Norton's T-shirts."

    Appalled at being ripped-off by multinationals, Clarkson turned consumer champ. "Eighty-five pence for a plastic bottle of Coke? I thought they'd stopped using cocaine as one of the ingredients..."

    Attending a cricket match, Clarkson had this to say on the audience: "Fathers and their sons dressed in matching blazers and slacks, as though women hadn't been involved in the breeding process at all. You just open up the chap like a Russian doll, and out pops another one."

    To round things off with a quick geography lesson from Clarkson. "On the seventh day God didn't rest. He looked at what he had created and thought: 'Oh dammit, England's gone all wrong. The sea is washing silt off the coastlines in the north and depositing them in an ugly bulbous lump near Kent'. Today we call this unholy place East Anglia."

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  • Location: South Norfolk, 44 m ASL.
  • Weather Preferences: Not a fan of heatstroke.
  • Location: South Norfolk, 44 m ASL.

    Thanks for posting these Clarkson quotes, mate!

    I find JC 6/10ths brilliant and 4/10ths a wazzock, I'm afraid - the 4/10th is due to the fact that I'm an East Anglian and like animals; the 6/10ths are explained by the brilliance of the quotes you posted.

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    Posted
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    I hear these new Jimmy Choo's are all the rage this Summer:

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    When NOT to Hyphenate your name:

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  • Location: Swallownest, Sheffield 83m ASL
  • Location: Swallownest, Sheffield 83m ASL

    A man was found to be a perfect match to provide his girlfriend with blood when she needed a blood transfusion. The perfect relationship ended some months later with a major argument and the man demanding his blood back. The woman threw a used tampon at him and told him that she would make monthly repayments......

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  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland
  • Location: Nr Appleby in Westmorland

    Haven't had anything racist for a while, so I thought I'd post this.

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out.

    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City
  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City

    Haven't had anything racist for a while, so I thought I'd post this.

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out.

    Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    :rolleyes:

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  • Location: Dorset UK
  • Location: Dorset UK

    A guy who goes into a bar and asks the barman if he’ll stand him a free drink if he shows him something phenomenal.

    The barman says. "I meet your type all the time, but come on show us what you have".

    The guy opens his coat up and pulls out a tiny little guy sitting at a tiny little piano playing awesome stride boogie.

    The barman is dumbfounded and asks the guy where it got him from. The guy says he found and old lamp and made a wish.

    The barman says to the guy. “If you let me borrow that lamp for 10 seconds I’ll give you free drinks for a year".

    The guy says "OK" and hands over the lamp.

    The barman rubs the lamp and makes a wish.

    Suddenly the windows crash open and in fly thousands upon thousands upon thousands of ducks.. Feathers everywhere.

    As the feathers settle, the Barman crawls out from under the ducks alongside the guy and says. “ That lamp is a heap of crap. I wished for a million bucks. Not a million ducks"..

    "Funny" says the guy.. "I didn’t ask for a twelve inch pianist either".

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  • Location: Tornado Alley, west London
  • Location: Tornado Alley, west London

    One for the girls, mainly

    You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are

    actually either male or female.

    Here are some examples:

     

    FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you

    can see right through them.

     

    PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a

    while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device

    if the right buttons are pushed,  but can also wreak havoc if you push

    the wrong buttons.

     

     

     

    TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over

    inflated.

     

    HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go

    anywhere, you have to light a fire under their I have a problem

     

     

    SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain

    water.

     

    WEB PAGES:Female, because they're constantly being looked at and

    frequently getting hit on.

     

    TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for

    picking up people.

     

    EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight

    shifts to the bottom.

     

    HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at

    all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

    You know the French think everything is either male or female, well, here's how it works for some everyday objects in English...

    THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male,

    but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without

    it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just

    keeps trying

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
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