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My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter sew it seams.

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to bor

I started a band called 999 megabytes.   We still haven't got a gig

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Posted
  • Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent
  • Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

    Am not that happy with my local Blockbuster Video

    Went there last night and asked if I could take pretty woman out - they said I wasn't her type!

    So then I asked if I could have Batman Forever and they said no I would have to bring it back tomorrow.

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  • Location: Canada
  • Location: Canada

    Nurse asks an old man she needs a urine and stole sample. The old man been deaf asks his wife what she said. She tells him the nurse needs his underpants......

    Police have confirmed that the body found in the freezer of a fish and chip shop was battered....

    Micheal barrymore was asked: Are you doing a pantomine again this year? No! I did a-lad-in 6 years ago and havent heard the last of it yet....

    Edited by kippure
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  • Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent
  • Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

    I went to an electrical store on Tottenham Court Road and asked if anyone could send sell me a mixer.

    The man replied Kenwood

    I said where is he then?

    I was asked for my order in a restaurant and asked for something herby

    They brought me a white Volkswagon with no driver

    I told my friend my sister had been on holiday to Poole

    In Dorset, he replied

    Yes she'd recommend it to anyone

    My other sister went away at the same to the Caribbean

    My friend asked, Jamaica?

    I said, no, she went on her own accord.

    I was really hungry so went to the takeaway and asked for a really big burger

    The lady serving me asked, With Relish?

    I replied that yes, I was really looking forward to it.

    My wife told my she had got a job at the bowling alley

    Ten Pin? I asked

    No, it's a permanant job she informed me.

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Isn't it amazing what make-up can do?

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  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

    Nelson: "We're not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

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  • Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent
  • Location: Tunbridge Wells, Kent

    lol

    I visited the local RSPCA offices the other day. I was suprised how small they were, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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  • Location: Taunton, Somerset
  • Weather Preferences: Snow, thunder, strong winds. HATE:stagnant weather patterns
  • Location: Taunton, Somerset

    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

    They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and

    says,

    "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

    She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

    At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

    The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

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  • Location: Isle of lewis
  • Location: Isle of lewis

    A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

    At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

    The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

    very gud

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    Posted
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)
  • Location: Eastbourne, East Sussex (work in Mid Sussex)

    A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a

    22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of

    that?"

    The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never

    misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella

    instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a

    beaver.

    He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell

    over dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver".

    The doctor said, "My point exactly".

    I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline

    straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very

    happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    If this had happened in a US airport................... compared to Glasgow Eyewitness accounts:

    America:'Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, I just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me'

    Glasgow: 'C*** wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good boot, then decked him'

    America:' I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I thought i was gonna die'

    Glasgow:' here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a **ckin' plane!'

    America:' there was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die'

    Glasgow: 'F*** this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in'

    America:' We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life'

    Glasgow:'a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws'

    America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought i was gonna die'

    Glasgow:' There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that'

    America:' I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die'

    Glasgow: 'here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it' & finally, two quotes from an eye-witness.........john smeaton (these are real)

    John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer asked 'What message do you have for the bombers' –

    He replied 'This is Glasgow we'll just set about you'.

    John done an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said 'me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him' !

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    How can you tell the bombers arrested for attempting to place car bombs in London and attack Glasgow Airport worked for the NHS?

    They failed to hit their targets.

    Groan.

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  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City
  • Location: 4 miles north of Durham City

    Not sure if this is meant to be funny or not (I find it a bit tasteless myself), but what do you think? Someone sent this email to me about the floods: -

    From: Andrea [mailto:[email protected]]

    Sent: 12 July 2007 16:09

    To: [email protected]; Derek Hodgson; Lynne Hodgson (JSH); gwen haigh

    Subject: Fw: URGENT APPEAL: Flooding in Rotherham

    ----- Original Message -----

    From: [email protected]

    To: [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; AndreaHome Walker ; Jim Halsall ; Mike gilchrist ; Gill Purrott

    Sent: Thursday, July 05, 2007 11:25 AM

    Subject: URGENT APPEAL: Flooding in Rotherham

    A major flood hit on Monday evening .

    Epicentre: Rotherham , England .

    News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing

    pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering

    "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

    The flood decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage.

    Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles

    and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

    Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

    Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station

    RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered,

    still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had

    happened in Rotherham .

    One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said:

    "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna camerunning into my bedroom crying.

    The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

    I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning".

    Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

    So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of

    Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals,

    rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of

    personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke

    at Argos , and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

    Can You Help?

    Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

    Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

    · Fila or Burberry baseball caps

    · Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

    · Shell suits (female)

    · White sports socks

    · Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

    Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together,

    but your efforts will make a difference.

    Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

    Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

    Remember:

    · 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

    · £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

    . £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

    Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

    Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will

    cause residents to beleive they have been forcebly relocated to Sheffield

    Many Thanks

    Kelly Thompson

    Organisational Transformation Programme

    ' 0114 205 3479

    ' 0779 178 9859

    For more information on the Transformation Project please visit our

    Intranet pages at:

    http://sheffield.net/index.asp?pgid=47092

    And for latest news:

    http://sheffield.net/programmes/organisational-transformation/latest-news

    P Please don't print this e-mail unless you really need to

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL

    Not sure if this is meant to be funny or not (I find it a bit tasteless myself), but what do you think? Someone sent this email to me about the floods: -

    From: Andrea [mailto:[email protected]]

    Sent: 12 July 2007 16:09

    To: [email protected]; Derek Hodgson; Lynne Hodgson (JSH); gwen haigh

    Subject: Fw: URGENT APPEAL: Flooding in Rotherham

    ----- Original Message -----

    From: [email protected]

    To: [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; AndreaHome Walker ; Jim Halsall ; Mike gilchrist ; Gill Purrott

    Sent: Thursday, July 05, 2007 11:25 AM

    Are they your friends PP?

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  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.
  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.

    Dont know if this is genuine or photoshop, but still pretty funny.!

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  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
  • Location: Upper Tweeddale, Scottish Borders 240m ASL
    post-1217-1184337119_thumb.jpg
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  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.
  • Location: South Shields Tyne & Wear half mile from the coast.

    post-1217-1184337119_thumb.jpg

    Thats 'Grate' Shuggee.. :)

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