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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." 

 

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An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.


The engineer is a pretty popular guy.


One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there!  You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue!"

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

 

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1 minute ago, Mark wheeler said:

Where is that ss?

Malmö - Hammarby fans got arrested and started chanting always look on the bright side of life

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A nun walked into the Mother Superior’s office and plonked herself down into a chair, letting out a big sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was your day off to spend with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … until it hit a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! But while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in his little paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk flew out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …




“You missed the f..........g putt, didn’t you?” 

 

 

 

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When I got lost at a biscuit convention, I heard this voice.... 'hello, is it me you're looking for? '....it was lionel rich tea

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Quite pertinent, in these times

 

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Two Ducks book a hotel room,

One rings down to room service and asks for a packet of condoms,

The voice on the telephone says "Shall I put them on your bill sir ?"

The duck replies ""What do you think I am , ? some kind of  pervert ? !!!

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A wife walked into the kitchen to find the husband swatting flies.

“Did you kill any?” she asked.

“Yes, five”, said the husband, “Three males and two females”

“How could you tell?”, the wife enquired.

“Well”, the husband replied, “there were three on the beer can and two on the phone” 

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...clever messaging here, but fun for whatever side you are on, and if you don't take politics too seriously

 

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I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded. I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.

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Bad news, my friend's in jail....he's on hunger strike, won't drink anything, threatens violence at everyone, and has smeared human waste all over the walls.....Personally I think he takes Monopoly far too seriously............

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I got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, I don't know why I just started filling up

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