Jump to content
Holidays
Local
Radar
Snow?

Recommended Posts

Spam away :D:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

post-131-1166097749_thumb.jpg

Ahh, I needed that refreshing fizzy drink after last nights drinking! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
post-1217-1166102395_thumb.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted Image

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Santa's Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting

ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his

elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast

as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of

being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This

stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven

knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and

the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and

a shot of rum. When he went to

the cupboard, he discovered that the

elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his

frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into

hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the

broom and found that mice had

eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then

the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened

the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the

Christmas

tree

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

http://nwstatic.co.uk/forum/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

how do you comunicate with a fish

drop him aline

ha ha ha ha ha ha muh muh hahahaha

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Christmas Story for people having a bad day....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
post-1217-1166622187_thumb.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LOL! I've always wanted to be that funny on an application, but I've never dared.

I know I just posted this in a thread too, but what the heck - it's a series of tubes that make this all possible, don't you know. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...