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  1. There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Wickes.
  2. The Dot l FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old people’s home in the UK. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.
  3. A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. Thismust be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.†The man replied,†I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!†The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break.Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.†Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren't you having any?†She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.†Adam ate the Fruit too! Men will never learn!!
  4. Computer: Please set a password to register. User: cabbage Computer: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User: boiled cabbage Computer: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. User: 1 boiled cabbage Computer: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. User: 50soddingboiledcabbages Computer: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User: 50SODDINGboiledcabbages Computer: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. User: 50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYours, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately! Computer: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. User: NowIAmGettingReallyjaffa cakesedOff50SoddingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYoursIfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediately! Computer: Sorry, that password is already in use !
  5. I got a new stick deodorant today.The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
  6. Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, he knows the end is near, and with him are the nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons."So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses.""Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield.""Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square.""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says,"Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".Sarah replies, "Property? ... The bugger has a paper round!"
  7. A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of thegrocery store. As he waited, he was approachedby a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where thePost Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight downthis street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm thenew vicar in town. I'd like for you to come to churchon Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle."You're bullsh***ing me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!â€
  8. A touching story for grandparents ... this ought to make all grandfathers feel all warm and fuzzy !!! A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his mother to visit his Grandfather. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his mother and bursts into his Grandfather's room. "Grandad ! Grandad !" he says excitedly, "As soon as mum comes into the room, make a noise like a frog !" "What ?" said his Grandfather. "Make a noise like a frog ! - because mum said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
  9. Never Force Children To Pray At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replies. Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.," says his father. "Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN" Dinner was cancelled.
  10. Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" See - Men just don't listen!
  11. A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.""What about that eye patch?""Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.""You're kidding," said the bartender."You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop.""It was my first day with the hook."
  12. 3 girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
  13. autumn

    From the album Untitled Album

    Sunrise this morning bringing out the autumn colours to full effect
  14. A Woman's PoemHe didn't like the casseroleAnd he didn't like my cake,He said my biscuits were too hardNot like his mother used to make.I didn't perc the coffee rightHe didn't like the stew,I didn't mend his socksThe way his mother used to do.I pondered for an answerI was looking for a clue.Then I turned around andSmacked him one Like his mother used to do. **************************I love a good poem, don't you!
  15. A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."