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    Corfe Mullen, Dorset
  • Interests
    Photography, sport, walking, cycling, astronomy(learning)
  • Weather Preferences
    warm hot summer days

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  1. There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or s
  2. The Dot l FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old people’s home in the UK. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us wit
  3. A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. Thismust be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.†The man replied,†I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!†The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn'
  4. Computer: Please set a password to register. User: cabbage Computer: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User: boiled cabbage Computer: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. User: 1 boiled cabbage Computer: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. User: 50soddingboiledcabbages Computer: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User: 50SODDINGboiledcabbages Computer: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. User: 50Soddi
  5. I got a new stick deodorant today.The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
  6. Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, he knows the end is near, and with him are the nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons."So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses.""Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield.""Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square.""Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says,"Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".Sa
  7. A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of thegrocery store. As he waited, he was approachedby a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where thePost Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight downthis street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm thenew vicar in town. I'd like for you to come to churchon Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle."You're bullsh***ing me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!â€
  8. A touching story for grandparents ... this ought to make all grandfathers feel all warm and fuzzy !!! A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his mother to visit his Grandfather. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his mother and bursts into his Grandfather's room. "Grandad ! Grandad !" he says excitedly, "As soon as mum comes into the room, make a noise like a frog !" "What ?" said his Grandfather. "Make a noise like a frog ! - because mum said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
  9. Never Force Children To Pray At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replies. Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.," says his father. "Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and pro
  10. Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as
  11. A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.""What about that eye
  12. 3 girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timot
  13. Miserable,dismal day with fine rain sweeping through the valley below me here. Very mild with a blustery SW wind. temp 12.0°C pressure 1017.2mb RH 95% wind 8.6mph W max gust 19.5mph rain 2.6mm rain last 24 hours 7.7mm
  14. A Woman's PoemHe didn't like the casseroleAnd he didn't like my cake,He said my biscuits were too hardNot like his mother used to make.I didn't perc the coffee rightHe didn't like the stew,I didn't mend his socksThe way his mother used to do.I pondered for an answerI was looking for a clue.Then I turned around andSmacked him one Like his mother used to do. **************************I love a good poem, don't you!
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