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Everything posted by *Stormforce~beka*

  1. Ooooh flash flash to my north. Ah well if we can't make a snow flake i'll take a flasher!
  2. Thank you. Am I best to just go to the GP and ask for a referral? Or go back to the italk service and ask them to refer me? I don't have any hope that I will get anything tbh so will prob just end up paying for it. It's supposed to be really good. All the skills I can get under my belt before dealing with the trauma the better. Hadn't heard of stepps. Anything else that would handy to have under my belt?
  3. I'm a little late to the party but i'll share my story any way! I was brought up in a highly abusive family. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused my whole childhood. I went firmly into the camp of denial via disassociation and pretty much stayed there since. I was able to form what I thought was a normal life and survive day to day. Looking back I was just an empty shell. Like someone above said I had and still do imposter syndrome where you feel like you are a fake, where you have got to is fake, and all the good stuff is going to end at any minute! There is no belief I deserve anything, I have no idea why I am on this earth and I regret having children since I see any damage I do coming to light in them. I started suffering with severe depression around early teenage years. This turned into full blown anxiety by the time I was 18. Probably before realistically but I couldn't place exactly when. I unsuprisingly have C-PTSD, disassociative disorders and god knows what else is in the mix!!! Any way I carried on in my ok world until I had my 1st baby. I felt sad but put it down to PND and carried on. (I only know this in hindsight). I had baby 2 4 years ago and this is when it hit me full force in the face. I suffered birth trauma and had a 4th degree tear (google that! A rearrangement of downstairs!), I suffered a PPH and lost 2 1/2 litres of blood. I was a home birth and had laboured for 54 1/2 hours and then got transferred in after delivery. I remember praying to god in the ambulance on the way there not to leave my husband alone with 2 kids as I know he wouldn't cope. I was past petrified tbh! Any way all got mended in theater and the road to recovery was extremely slow. I am left mildly incontinent from my rearrangment. The birth trauma retriggered my C-PTSD from childhood and anxiety took over in a massive way. This hit full force by the time the baby was 16 weeks. However it took me 10 months to ask for help. I remember leaving baby group walking down the high street with tears pouring down my face and that's the point I knew I had hit rock bottom. I spoke to a HV who referred me for CBT for anxiety and depression. Basically that was just a sticking plaster. It gave me a few coping skills to get me through. I am now 4 years post partum and since last November things have been horrific in the anxiety department. My marriage is at rock bottom due to the rearrangement below, I am still under physio. We have had psychosexual counselling which helped a tiny bit to at least get us talking and doing stuff together, But again NHS - Limited sessions so got booted off before it did anything useful. I've had really bad Anaemia meaning I had flu (the real in bed high temperature dying at 39c+ flu!) 3 times last winter and god knows whatelse. Finally got treated for that but a long way to go! I had tons of chest infections and pneumonia when the baby was 10 months old (most likely anaemia caused it back then low immunity). So keep getting ill made me anxious it was going to happen again, being anxious retriggered my IBS. This is still bad now. So i'm currently stuck in the anxiety-ibs - worrying about health cycle. My little one starts school in a few weeks so then its time to concentrate on me. I will be fightning hard for DBT which is a form of therapy to teach you emotional regulation. I need this desperately I can go off the handle in a millisecond! I want to get this under control before I go into trauma therapy. But either way I owe it to my babies. I need to get as right as I can for them. I don't know if i'll get the DBT or i'll need to pay for it. But I need it. I'm not wanting to kill myself so i'm not in crisis to get under the local MHT. I just get told to ring the local italk service. But I need more than just basic cbt. I know how to change thoughts I need to deal with trauma and emotions. Any way enough rabbiting! That's where I'm at!
  4. Winchester didn't have that you got lucky! It went east and the other one west. Saw all the lightning but wasn't a direct hit. Still beggars can't be choosers ...
  5. Huh!! What happened to all that rain?! I just cleared the washing line for nothing.Grrrr
  6. I was looking out the window head hanging out like a shaggy dog. My neighbor went out next door and we were shouting out to each other lol
  7. Yea there was no direct hit here. We only had a little rain really. (In storm terms!). We were in the split but didn't wake kids. Saw tons of lightning and heard distant thunder though
  8. It's all going off here! Its constant lightning and can hear distant thunder now. Just closed bedorom window of the youngest and ready for the eldest to come screaming out her room soon ...!
  9. Guy anyone know how to get the circle things to show more longer on here? They appear to have stopped https://www.lightningmaps.org/#m=oss;t=3;s=0;o=0;b=0.00;ts=0;y=50.9394;x=-1.4632;z=10;d=2;dl=2;dc=0;
  10. Just been out for a butchers! Nothing over head. Loads of stars. Saw 1 distant flash to the south, 1 to the east and quite a few to the NW. So something is out there and it's pretty much all around! No thunder heard though or rain felt. Just brought the laundry in lol
  11. Took ages toget kids down tonightas 1 was scared of thunder coming ... Guess she or both .. Will be up soon!!
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