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The g sumner burglier.

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I can't believe it's not better


Did I ever tell you about the time in the summer, just after Lady P was burgled, we got burgled. Yes, whilst enjoying my Net-weather asbo, on one of the hottest, if not the hottest day in July? I left the kitchen window wide open, and it's about 1 foot deep. During the hotist day, when it reached about 36C outside and a disgusting 30C indoors, I changed the aquarium water 3 times that day (not completely) trying to keep it cooler (they are normally about 24C, the fish and shrimp).

Anyway, that night mrs better had gone out with friends and I stayed up till about 1am on my todd the recluse I am. She came to bed about 2am, and at 3am she woke me saying "Did you here that?!"

"Ugh" (Well I heard it too, but I was dreaming and still pi**ed).

Maybe it's a cat I said (Hoping it was a cat - and not something worse...well there was a rat once).

Suddenly there came the sound of somebody walking up the wooden stairs! Unmistakeable. Either a giant two legged cat, or (oh god) a burgliar!

They must have heard us and decended back down. We both were sat up in bed, in the dark listening - for 2 mins? - waiting for a positive loud burgliar sound. Suddenly there was quite loud noises downstairs...

That's not a cat!

I leapt out of bed, (naked because I'm too young to wear pyjamas) and grabbed a pool que(!?). Just like in that film, a pool que wasn't good enough and I grabbed a standard lamp, without the lamp bit, so it was a pole. I went down stairs expecting to get jumped, brandishing this pole, pulsing with adrenaline, expecting to get jumped - (knives are in the kitchen downstairs and small kindling


So, in the kitchen and I'm really hyped up - but there's nobody there! The fridge door was wide open though... and all the lights on.

Still a bit dazed I was. "How did a cat open the fridge door??", I asked, stupourdily.

Mrs better had to put me straight.

Tick, tock, tick, tock - yikes!

Then I thought the burgliar was behind the bathroom door. I pushed it and it wouldn't yield, all the way.

"He's behind the f****ng door", I whispered (possibly). There was a reason why the bathroom door wasn't opening fully - that's because he was behind the bathroom door, right?

So, I rammed this standard light shaft into the door at about 80% strength - this went through the front of the door and only slightly penetrated the other side. (I'm not a complete psycho O.K, else I would have added the other 20%).

Of course, the skanky slim junky burgliar was long gone, out the window having taken the house keys and a digital camera that might be worth a fiver. The force behind the door, giving me the impression that there was someone behind there was infact a little wicker basket...(full of NS mags and other suchlike good toilet reading material).

So, the moral of this story is - if you think there's a burgliar hiding in your house, and you go for the kill (80% of it) - you may find they're long gone, and you're just left with a door in your house with several big holes in it. And it's not even your house! Peace. (and you have to change all the locks of course).

Excuse my English spelling - see you in the next world, with windy thing.

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No probs, Ive sorted all these sarcasted english out. Quite quick I think that they're not going to mess with us. Ho, ho they've seem to find it rather funny. Not so soon unfortunately for them - I'm willing to play along for so far...

It will be interesting to hear how well these chaps have come in bothering to learn the welsh language. or chanel 4 That is is.

Sod off. Follow us in the thing wotsit...

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