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Tim B

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Hmm Christmas only a few days away now!

Sure doesn't feel like it though, for me at least.

Between work still owing me over £300 from last month, being up to me eyebrows in debt, and the court telling me I have to move house by mid January my thoughts really haven't been with it this year.

(What's Christmas all about anyway? Each year it just gets more and more expensive and more less of a bloody point.)

Having said that however I'm not too bothered by any of that nonsense because I have had something else cutting me up inside as if I'd inadvertently fallen in to a derelict furniture factory, swallowed a rusty blunt nail gun, then developed an recurring round of hiccups every evening after 6 for the last 2 weeks. Forcing me in to drinking large amounts of fizzy beer and vodka beverages in the vein hope that it will produce a big enough burp to expel it.

Though here's only one person on the planet who I've told and thus has any idea what that's all about, but I'm not going to tell you. Ha ha ha.

(No its probably not what your thinking either)

The person is friend of mine whom I've decided to trust this burden to.

Apparently in their eyes its no big deal and this person didn't see it as anything that should be bothering me, though I personally beg to differ because if it was nothing then my mind would simply trash it like it has the aforementioned rubbish surely?

Then again all of us are different I suppose.

Moving on. There's been a few errm, interesting distractions over the last few days as well.

Like what happened at work the other day, one of the guys bubble wrapped a large CRT television for me to give to a customer and wrote, "TV" over the front of it in big red indelible marker. Just so I knew what it was, like..

Then later I went in to the warehouse and found some of the guys trying to assemble a large wooden tv stand that looked like some horrible retro black magazine case from the 1940's. So I asked what it was all about and one of them explained it was for a customer collect and they were assembling it because he couldn't manage to build the one he had from flat (or something like that)

TV guy was there of course and then asked pretty much the same thing only wondering why the customers own stand was, "flat / broken"

"Oh it may have been due what happened in the car park earlier" I replied.

"Why what happened?" He asked.

To which I replied, "Oh, I took an identical stand out to a customer and it fell off the trolley, then got accidentally reversed over by a Humvee H2 packed with Christmas cards and mince pies driven by a Tom Cruise lookalike. It happened earlier before you came in."

"Really!"

"Yeah! Really.."

I really shouldn't be such a [email protected], but sometimes it can be funny..

Ok, my BS aside now.

I'm sure some of you will have seen that post in the retreat featuring a certain car for sale on E-Bay?

You know, the one with the Burberry inspired rust-infected filler?

The whole thing was a mock auction by someone with a brilliant though slightly eccentric sense of humour, though it made me laugh. Some of the comments being the funniest part of the whole thing.

See this link here for the auction page:

Click Here - Long URL

Here's a few of my personal favourite comments from this, urrm.. Auction:

** Relisted due to timewaster: this guy turned up and offered me cash! Come on - I'm not gonna fall

for that one. Do I look like an idiot (answer not needed). Then another guy came to view... and started

laughing... and continued laughing... and the last I saw him he was rolling around on my lawn, still

laughing (I decided to draw the curtains on him at ten past midnight. I think he's now mating with a

cat, or arguing with a cat - one of the two. Either way there's an awful racket going on outside). **

GOOD POINTS: * Wheel at each corner * Doesn't explode on start up * Converted to run on neighbours'

siphoned petrol * Go-faster stripes on ashtray * Many fag ends in ashtray are of a still-smokeable length

* There's definitely a clingfilm wrapped eighth still inside the car somewhere * Free 'Police Aware' sticker

and black/yellow crime scene tape

BAD POINTS: * I may have lied about all the good points * Does explode on start up * Lurches ever-so

slightly to the left when taking corners at over 70mph on estates * Interior splattered with arterial blood

from a savage and senseless knifing * An all-pervasive sense of doom at the futility of life appears when

over 30mph * Deep face-shaped dent in bonnet (expression: one of surprise) * Two suspected knee dents

in grill * Bullet holes in windscreen (not MOT failure)

Q: IS IT A CONVERTIBLE

Yes. Upon starting the engine it converts petrol into sheet flame and this sometimes results in the roof compacting itself neatly into the boot.

Q: Hi There i was just wondering if the wind screen wipers are in good or fair condition, as i hate going down the motor way with smears

on the window. Mel

The windscreen wipers are in excellent condition. However, the windscreen itself has several small but very serious cracks, a smattering of

bullet holes, one or two hardly noticeable pool cue indentations, a smidgeon of blood and hair, the odd patch of fogging, a hairline smash

and, finally, the windscreen has a slight tendency to fall completely out of the windscreen surround and decapitate the driver and front

seat passenger. But none of these are MOT failures.

Q: u really were bored

I was even more bored when your question came in. But not so bored last night when you were on the late shift and your wife was feeding me biscuits. But thanks for your input. And the Jaffa Cakes. Sorry about the crumbs.

Q: R O L M F A O .............

'Running Over Lino Making me Feel An Orphan'? That's not what I intended. Oh... wait a minute - ‘Rolling On the floor Laughing My weeble Off’ - got yer. Now, that's better. Still, that’s quite a high price to pay for being amused - laughing one’s weeble RIGHT off. Not to mention being desperately unhygienic. On the upside, you’ve now got a new desktop pen-holder. And a reason to never again chew your biro…

Q: Hi there, can you tell me the story behind the machette holes? And whos face is imprinted on the bonnet? Anyone famous?

Ronan Keating’s music is so middle-of-road that I actually ran over him.

Q: Hi, What kind of sound system is there is in the car?

A: There is a Sony tape/radio in tip-top condition. I got it off the top of a tip. So it only plays rubbish. But never mind because the sound of music and passenger conversation is completely drowned out by the noise of the engine having an epileptic fit, the gearbox being date-raped by the drive shaft, the exhaust coughing up blood, the brakes screaming 'I won't do it! I won't do it!', the wheel rims shredding the tyres and the unholy shreak of sirens from the twelve police cars and seventeen fire engines chasing you down the wrong way down a duel carriageway. So I tend to whistle.

Q: would the doors bend into a handbag,my wife quite likes the design ?

A: Yes, yes they would - good idea. And congratulations on being married to a giant.

Q: well mate i thought id seen it all i have now

A: Hi. Yeah, I thought I'd seen it all too. Then I realised I'd never seen a Jewish postman with leg calipers and a bag of poisoned bananas sitting atop an elephant with abandonment issues and a docked tail running blindly through a burning zoo at sunset on a Pancake Tuesday. See, just when you think you've got infinite possibility beat, you get bowled a googly.

Q: i've reported you for selling weapons of mass destruction on ebay.

A: Ha ha. You should have told Tony Blair - he would have believed you. I prefer to think of it as a vehicle of mass dysfunction. It has a lot of problems but I believe we can work through them. With a chainsaw.

Q: Heyy!!I was Just Wonderin if this car has ah Cig Lighter??...Can I have 20p for a ciggy??Kerry&Lauren!!

A: It does have a lighter, but it's one of those infruriating ones you sometimes get in older cars that, when you push it in, it stays in, and you wait and you wait and you wait - driving along with a dry cig in your mouth - only to find that the bloody lighter never bloody well pops out. Most smokers will have experienced this. It's worse than if the car doesn't have a lighter at all because it sets up an expectation that you're going to have a cig before unkindly crushing your expectation flat. Having said that, I don't smoke anymore so I've replaced the cigarette lighter with an electric pencil sharpener. It's fun but slightly messy. And it means I can't classify the car as unleaded.

Q: Top! Hey-but no-but yeah-but though-but can you deliver but?

A: Delivery is possible but I'm afraid it would go something like this: After wrenching myself out of the restraining arms of my weeping family who, as one, are begging me not to do it, I get in the car and head towards you. I, myself, even at this early stage, am also sobbing. Because of the brakes' tendency not to work I recklessly run every red light and plough, literally, straight across every roundabout, gathering a grill full of flowers and road signs. Hitting the motorway on-ramp in a shower of sparks I enter the motorway at such insane velocity, and with such obvious disregard for my own life and the lives of others, that all 3 lanes of traffic immediately stamp on their brakes - (setting a new world record for synchronised emergency stops with combined rear-enders). Ignoring the mushroom cloud of flame and twisted metal in my rear-view mirror I thunder on, throwing the gear-stick onto the back seat as it comes off in my hand, the car now gushing a river of leaking fuel behind. Unable to see through the shattered windscreen I have to thrust my head out the driver's window until my eyes are wind-slashed slits of blood, my eyebrows are sugared white with ice and my clamped teeth are peppered black with insect-death. At the correct motorway exit I desperately slingshot the car across all lanes and hit the off-ramp in a sickening balloon of sparks, which conveniently ignites the leaking fuel trail behind. I am then pursued by a three-foot wall of orange flame and twelve fire engines until - after flattening two dogs, three binmen and a local bus shelter - I finally hurtle towards your front door, whereupon, and with appalling accuracy, I slam the car straight into your living room and kill the cat. BUT... having said all that... is next Tuesday okay?

Q: Hi - I'M SURE I OWNED THIS CAR ONCE, DOES IT HAVE LEPOPARD PRINT SEAT COVERS & AN EIGHT BALL GEARSTICK. DAZ

A: Daz, hi, no. It has a flourescent orange polyester interior with bright yelllow go-faster striping. The first time I looked at it I temporarily lost my sight and had to sit down on a low wall and weep. Don't worry thouigh, the eyesight does eventually return. But for the first ten minutes I wouldn't recommend operating heavy machinery, like, for instance, this car. Which is something of a drawback, I admit; when you first get in you have to sit there for a good ten minutes letting your eyes adjust. It is tempting to drive off before full use of your eyes has returned, but this could lead to you losing control on the local high street, blindly running over a lollipop man, mounting the pavement with him still on the bonnet, crashing through the doors of Marks & Spencer and descending the escalator on two wheels before coming to rest in a smoking, steaming mass in the food department. (My case comes up next month). At the time, I got out of the wreckage and said, 'This isn't just any food smeared over the bonnet with the spit and snot of Christmas shoppers, this is Marks & Spencer food!'. Which I thought was a pretty good effort considering I had a Mexican Three Bean Wrap jammed in one nostril and a fresh fruit salad in the other.

Q: Loving your style, brother. Has this baby been on 'Pimp My Ride'? peace.

A: Hi. No, it was on 'Tart My Car'. We were thrown off 'Pimp My Ride' when I accidently stepped on Tim Westwood's low slung denim crotch. It's easily done.

Q: Hi, does the car have any outstanding HP? Thanks Jam.

A: Hi. Yes, it has an outstanding blob of HP sauce on the dash and a fatastic drip of ketchup on the steering wheel. Thanks

Hehe, as you've probably gathered I love sarcastic humour like this.

Moving on again.

Urm, well, see for yourself:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/12/20/wi...dites_araldite/

I wonder what wiki page he was eye balling at the time however..

If anyone else has any daft links or stories then then let me know as I could do with more humorous reading.

Take care.

Oh and merry Christmas :drinks:

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Hi, It sounds like dispite your woes you haven't lost your sense of humour. I laughed hard and mightily reading your blog, thanks for cheering ME up.

All the best

AH

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