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About this blog

a blog by Osbourne One-Nil

Entries in this blog

 

Another reason not to chat to Wibs

Laura says: and I lost a sock OON says: erm? OON says: how? Laura says: exactly Laura says: I had to come home with only one sock on OON says: erm! Laura says: I really don't know where it went!

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Reasons not to chat to Wibs, volume 3

She doesn't follow the conversation very well, bless her. I was reciting something off I'm sorry I haven't a clue, and...well...you'll see:- Piers says: Samantha has just visited the record library and took her little dog with her. She likes to dress it in her own stylish canine clothing range... Laura says: I'm drawing lines... but when I put the shrub beds in the lines aren't snapping Piers says: And the elderly archivists say the all appreciate her doggy fashion Laura says: oh god Piers says:

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Reasons not to chat with Wibs, volume 2

Sebastian says (15:19):brb gotta go capture stuff Laura says (15:19): ok Laura says (15:19):mousse? Sebastian says (15:20):mousse? Laura says (15:20):wilderbeast? Laura says (15:20):mice? Laura says (15:20):moose Laura says (15:20):LOL Sebastian says (15:20):small ferret called george Laura says (15:20):go and capture a fluffy dessert

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Reasons not to chat to Wibs, volume 1.

Laura says:bacck Laura says:-c Piers says:bacck-c? Laura says:bacck minus a c Piers says:bacck minus a c is bck Laura says:bacck minus a c is not bck, that would be minus an a, but I typed bacck... so minus a c makes it back, which is correct Piers says:no Piers says:(bacck - a c) = bck

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Norfolk holiday

My holiday:- Day 1. Arrived at Aunty's house after a non-stop drive from Cumbria to Norfolk to find myself helping my Aunty put up marquees for my Gran's 90th birthday party the next day. Uncle Howard took the prawns out to defrost. Day 2. Got up early to help my Aunty in some more pointless faffing and had to look impressed at my cousin's table decorations which amounted to some helium balloons tied at different lengths to some weights and placed on the crappy tables hired from the Cat Sanctua

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Christmas

Today I got it up again For the first time in a year And now I've shown it on the forum I hope it will bring you cheer I got the inspiration yesterday Driving past a pub called Tommy Tuckers And thought "I'll show it to the members" Because they're all such lovelies.

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

A moan (even I moan sometimes)

I'm not a bad bloke to live with. I do more than my fair share, I do all the cooking, I don't count the pennies and I make sure I take enough time off to have quality time and I'm drop-dead gorgeous and very witty. Why, therefore, on only the 4th day of work in 7 years (as opposed to my 2400-odd) do I get a gobful in the morning about coming to bed late and waking a certain someone up? Even if I did wake that person up for 5 mins, they still managed 8 hours and 55 minutes' worth of sleep, as opp

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Just now

It's not that I'm unhappy that Babbydoodles Took her nappy off to do a poo It's just that I wish she hadn't done it on the carpet And then brought it to show me She should know I don't take crap from anyone. © Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Another poem

What do you mean you can't afford broadband? You don't have a mortgage - you live in your dead gran's house And marrying your sister must have saved on the wedding costs Did you choose the swirly carpet? © Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Yesterday

Old people Why do you have go to shopping when I do Trundling along two abreast Why not get home delivery And get out of my way At least you wouldn't get Cold © Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

It's been ages since I made an entry, and I woke up this morning and thought it was high time I changed that. So, while I wait for Bertha of Wigton to arrive, I thought I'd add to the spate of poetry which I notice is being offered in other people's blogs. My first poem is inspired by my life in Great Asby and is called My Life In Great Asby Oh, sod off. © Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Yesterday

I went to Chorley yesterday. I stopped at a newsagents and was served by someone who looked like his family may have orignated in the sub-continent. Imagine my surprise when he neither took me hostage nor blew me to pieces. Still...I informed the immigration service who will hopefully deport him for daring to live here* *yes....I am being sarcastic/ironic (never sure which)

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

I had a meeting in Lancaster this morning with a sculptor. The meeting was meant to be at 10.30am, but before I left, I had to print off a large drawing. The plotter was playing about, so I shifted the meeting back to 11.00am knowing that he and I had to be gone by noon. By the time the drawing was ready, I was running really late, so I bombed down the M6 to Lancaster, but got lost. I know, I thought, I'll phone and ask for directions. Nope...left my phone at home in my rush to get out. Hmmmmmm.

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

I'm in shock and think I might move back to Chorlton cum (snigger) Hardy (snigger). Reading the Westmorland Herald this morning, I noticed that an 18yr old youth has been fined £2.50 by magistrates for having a tax disc which was a week out of date. We must never lose this sort of investigative journalism...well done to the Herald.

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

Day started off quite oddly. I had a vivid dream last night whereby myself and Babbydoodles were both playing for Ipswich against Manchester Utd. Babbydoodles was on the ball and all she had to do was pass to me and I've have scored, but instead she went for glory and missed by a mile. At the end of the match I had a real go at her, and my mum and dad shouted at me, which made me angry. Anyway, when I woke up, Mrs OON informed that that in the night I'd grabbed her and started shouting at her ab

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Yesterday

Had my haircut in Carlisle yesterday. I look great. The owner of the salon was going around giving everyone their wage packets. He handed them to the blokes, but with the girls, he popped them, slowly, into their back pockets. When he did this to my hairdresser, I said "do you think youo should be doing that?" to which he replied "Oh...they like it and I like it" to which I replied "I don;t think they do like it....have you ever asked them?" Off he went. My hairdresser was very pleased with me,

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today (and Yesterday)

I've got a dog....Billy...(Princess wanted to call him Poppy Lovely Blossom and Jnr wanted to call him Mr Woofy...remember?) Billy's lovely, but a pain in the arse. Billy makes a fish's memory capabilities look extensive, and a pheasant look like Oxbridge material. Billy isn't allowed in the back garden any more because he kept vaulting the wall to play in the river behind the house. The front garden is Billy-proof in terms of escaping, providing my wheelbarrow is left propped in a certain place

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

I got this letter to the Office of National Statistics requiring me to tell them some stuff about the business a few weeks ago. Sod this I thought....I already act as a tax collector for these sods, I'm not going to go through pages and pages of stuff for the government too. Then today, I got a reminder, saying I can be charged a penalty for not completing the form under Section 4 of the Statistics of Trade Act. Well....straight on the phone I was. This bloke answered and I explained the situati

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

We used to get a milk delivery every other day. The milk came round with the daily papers, which were delivered every day (funnily enough) and it therefore always puzzled me that if they were coming to our house every day with the papers, couldn't they bring the milk with them as well? There was nothing wrong with getting milk every other day in itself, other than it would take up the whole fridge because it came in (wait for it) milk bottles. Anyway, that all stopped before Christmas because th

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

So, I wake up right, and I go into my office to sort my computer out (it keeps freezing and locking up) and I turn the telly on. QVC comes up. I think I was watching Paramount last night and QVC runs through the night on it. Anyway, it was some bloke that makes I Luv Snow look like Russell Crowe, waffling on about his range of beauty products. One of them (£28.99 I believe) was a bottle of little capsules of Vitamin C "serum" which you put into your normal moisturiser to add Vitamin C goodness t

Osbourne One-Nil

Osbourne One-Nil

 

Today

I've been looking through my new phone today, and I think it knows me too well. I shall tell the story with pictures. How can a phone be so blunt?

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Today

Ok, ok. Can you all stop pestering me for another entry now?Played tennis tonight in the first round of the Men's singles. I lost. I just couldn't get my serve going - I couldn't toss as well as I normally do. Practice makes perfect though.Nice to see the Pope making an appearance on the forum. All we've had up to now has been a few queens.I have undying love for Flagpole by the way.

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Guest

 

Today

Letting Mrs OON have a lie in this morning for perhaps the second time in her life, but I don't want any thanks. Although having to watch Razzle Dazzle isn't how I pictured my Saturday mornings when I was younger. I always thought I'd hop out of bad in my luxury city-centre loft conversion, put on some wacky-coloured Boden trousers, take my Halifax cash-point card to the machine in the recently converted dock area and take the resultant cash to a trendy coffee bar where they even sell "Kiddys' C

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Guest

 

Today

Alone tonight looking after my brood. Mrs OON's gone out pursuing what I can only imagine is a new found love of acting as I saw a text message on her phone from a gentlemen friend which said "Am holding a small part for you which I think you can make big". Nice to see her enjoying herself.

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